Jul 03

Guest post: Jenn Choi (Toys are Tools) on Angsty Parenting Music!

Posted on July 3, 2012 by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista

Jenn Choi writes the blog Toys are Tools. In today’s guest post she writes about angsty parenting music by husband-wife duo, Parents With Angst. For her complete bio see the bottom of this post.

Once I was stuck in traffic coming home from yet another seminar about education. After leaving, I couldn’t wait to get home, catch my breath, and get back to work. But I got stuck in some bad traffic- really, really, really bad traffic.

I was moving so slow, there was construction everywhere, the roads were narrowed and the sun was just beating down on me but it was the middle of winter and so I had a thick coat on. I wanted to open the window but it was so loud. I wished I could call a friend but my cellphone battery was dead. #$%@!!!

I became so frustrated that I was soon talking to myself and then the mumbling turned into growling and then into “filth florin’ filth” as Bill Cosby used to say. I was in total rage and I couldn’t even get off the highway to scream. If I had something alcoholic to drink, I probably would have taken a shot right there. Even though I live in a very busy city, I am not used to traffic. Driving is husband duty … like taking out the trash- I just dislike it a lot so I avoid it as much as possible. When he drives, I sit in the passenger seat and check my email, read, or skim through catalogs so if we have traffic, I actually become very productive.

The couple recorded 3 successful CDs as Amelia’s Dream before creating “Parenting Music”

But that day, I was stuck in a cauldron of my own anger. I didn’t know what to do but to turn on some music. I don’t really listen to music. I have too much in my head and I can’t focus and so music has been out of my life for a long time but that day I turned it on really loud and attempted to perform an exorcism by singing at the top of my lungs.

It worked!

By the time I came home, I had gone from fire-breathing status to just blowing out small puffs of smoke from my nostrils. I was amazed that music was the vodka that I needed during my crisis. I never forgot that. Continue reading →

May 18

Guest post: For Special Needs Kids, “The Golden Rule,” Rules

Posted on May 18, 2012 by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista

Erin MacMillan-Ramirez is a graduate of the University of Southern California Rossier School of Education Master’s in Teaching online program which has recently added on a Special Education Program. She lives in Houston, Texas and is currently working on a book about Autism and the education system in America.

What do Spock (Star Trek), Mork (Mork and Mindy) and Abed (Community) all have in common? They are all television characters. They all rely on logic and take verbal interactions literally. They are all childlike innocents, and in the real world they would all be diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome. Mork would probably receive a diagnosis of ADHD as well. They are also written as the butt of every “error in logic” or “social misunderstanding” joke on their respective shows. Their natural curiosity, lack of social or verbal filters, and misunderstandings of social cues and sarcasm create the perfect set-up for great practical and verbal jokes on television shows. In the real world, it’s not very funny when people make fun of kids with special needs, but it happens all the time. Continue reading →

May 02

Guest blog: What’s WRONG with you?

Posted on May 2, 2012 by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista

“What is WRONG with you??” is exactly what you really want to say a lot of the time when your kid is a lawless little darling like McDiesel. It’s pretty much a reflex. So it’s the hardest thing tostop saying. And so we all say it—me, Husband (Number One), big brother—even though we shouldn’t.

For instance: in the space of forty minutes (and probably less) the other afternoon, McDiesel dumped a big box of packing peanuts all over the garage (undermining attempted organization in progress), a mug of hot cocoa (almost full) all over the kitchen table and rug, a just-opened twenty-pound bag of Iams (mini chunks—worst case scenario—and completely full), and then a brand-new bag of birdseed (also completely full) all over the sunroom floor. (Still have no idea where this bag materialized from but do know I hid it somewhere—proactively—to avoid just such a mess). Packing peanuts might have been any kid, but by the birdseed “What is WRONG with you??” was all I had left (as I— smelling like dog food and still holding table cloth, sponge, and paper towels all dripping with cocoa—looked incredulously at pile of birdseed on rug). Continue reading →

Mar 01

Guest post: (ADHD) i.e.

Posted on March 1, 2012 by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista

Guest post courtesy of K. Turner, whose blog is Useless Anxieties.

Frazz comic by Jef Mallett

(id est, Latin, “that is”)

What People Will Say When They Can’t Say They Think Your Kid is ADHD:

active (with emphasis)

physical (nice way of saying “aggressive”)

hyperactive (almost exclusively the province of medical professionals who may use without causing offense. Have also tried it myself—and on professionals—who see through my deliberate evasiveness and unblinkingly revert to clinical “ADHD.”)

tough

handful

spirited

busy, busy, busy! (favored by gracious widow neighbors)

Continue reading →

Feb 24

Guest post: Living With A Short Sleeper

Posted on February 24, 2012 by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista

Malia Jacobson is a sleep journalist, columnist, coach, and mom of two. She blogs about sleep and parenting at www.thewellrestedfamily.com.

Horrendous bedtimes. Night awakenings that seem never-ending. Feeling as though you never have a moment to yourself. Sound familiar? You may be living with a short-sleeper—a child who needs less sleep than most.

Many of us arrive at parenthood believing that babies sleep around the clock, only to find ourselves parenting a child who seems to barely sleep at all. In truth, kids’ sleep needs vary widely. Average sleep times for children are 14-16 hours of sleep per day for newborns, 12-14 hours for toddlers, 10-12 hours for children three to six, but some kids don’t need this much sleep. A few need significantly less.

Although true “short-sleepers”—people who can get by on just a few hours of nightly sleep— make up just 3-5 percent of the population, the percentage of kids who need less sleep than average is much higher. And these short sleepers can tax their tired parents emotionally and physically. Continue reading →

Oct 03

Guest Post: Therapist Bobbi Emel talks about Resiliency : How to take it (when you can’t take it anymore)

Posted on October 3, 2011 by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista

Today’s guest post is by psychotherapist Bobbi Emel, who specializes in helping people face life’s significant challenges and regain their resiliency. In addition to seeing clients in her private practice, Bobbi is a well-regarded speaker and writer. You can find her blog at http://www.TheBounceBlog.com

I’ve been talking via email with a friend whose teenage daughter has Asperger’s Syndrome. Our online conversation was mostly about the highs and lows of raising her neuro-diverse daughter and she shared with me many of the gifts that come along with having a special needs child.

Then, one day, this was the message in my inbox:

Today is a day in the trenches! It’s a battle and I’m bawling in my coffee. This journey is joy and pain in every aspect of those words. My knees are bloody on this life path. My guilt over wanting my life (before it was chucked under the special needs bus) back is outweighing my good will today. A special needs child “needs” almost all of the time. There is also the alienation aspect of this life in the foreground today. It’s very hard for me to relate to neuro-typical people. I hear people gripe and moan about “normal” problems and I want to cause them bodily harm! Some days are frustration!

While my heart ached for my friend, I was also really impressed with her message because she was actually demonstrating a lot of resilience.

“What?” I can hear you asking, “Where’s the resilience in this horrible day for her?” Let’s look a little more closely at her resiliency skills.

1. Sharing pain with a friend.

Instead of keeping these really difficult, raw thoughts and emotions to herself where they might boil inside her, she shared them with me. Using friends as a pressure valve can prevent your boiling emotions from scalding your heart.

2. The art of holding two opposing things at the same time.

This is a really tricky thing to do. You can see it in the sentence This journey is joy and pain in every aspect of those words. Joy/pain, guilt/good will. It really is possible to hold two different emotions – and even opposing – emotions and be okay with it.

I’ve often heard people who are grieving say, “I’m so confused. I’m devastated that he’s gone, yet I feel relieved at the same time. Which one is the right emotion? Should I feel relief or devastation?” To which my answer is, “Yes.” Both are appropriate and – although a weird sensation – it’s perfectly okay to experience both things at once.

3. Acknowledging emotions.

One of my favorite things about my friend’s message is that she doesn’t beat around the bush about how she’s feeling. Today is a day in the trenches . . . it’s a battle . . . my knees are bloody . . . Acceptance of your own experience and emotions is key to being resilient; the awareness allows you to be very realistic with yourself about how hard life is at the moment so you can best figure out a plan to bounce back.

4. Realizing that this is how it feels today.

Notice how my friend acknowledged her feelings of today: Today is a day in the trenches! My guilt is outweighing my good will today. Alienation is in the foreground today. Some days are frustration.

She is able to put things in perspective: today sucks. But notice how she doesn’t say, “My life is always in the trenches. I feel guilty all the time. I’m constantly isolated and alienated.” Her recognition that today is a really bad day automatically gives her hope for tomorrow. And realistically so, since she’s relying on her past experience to realize that there have been bad days in the past and she’s always made it through.

5. Using humor.

I couldn’t help smile at some of my friend’s writing. She’s a very funny person anyway, and I could see that, even though this day was hell, her humor was still buffering it for her: I’m bawling in my coffee . . . my life was chucked under the special needs bus . . . I hear people gripe and moan about “normal” problems and I want to cause them bodily harm! It’s dark humor, but it’s humor nonetheless and a great way to take the sting off of the painful reality of her emotions and experience.

Takeaway points: Sometimes even the worst days can bring out the best resiliency skills in you. Give yourself some credit, even when you feel like life has you down for the count.

What stands out for you about my friend’s message?

Aug 25

Guest Post: Therapist Bobbi Emel writes about RESILIENCY and parents of SN kids

Posted on August 25, 2011 by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista

Libbie and Joe

Libbie wrote to me and asked if I had written any articles on the resiliency of families with special needs children. Her youngest son, Joe, has multiple disabilities and I asked Libbie to tell me about how her family has utilized resiliency over the years. Here’s what she wrote:

As far has having resilience regarding our son, I think I am getting better as I get older. It is a continuous process. A sense of humor and appreciation are so important. Also, allowing yourself a little down time when needed. This past year when we learned of Joe’s chromosome abnormalities, I allowed myself to grieve. This is not something I have ever really done. As difficult as it was, it’s what I needed so I could accept that this is my son’s life, our life, and our future. I was able to bounce back because I allowed myself the time to acknowledge the realities of our lives. Also, I keep reminding myself that when I was blessed with these beautiful boys my original goal as a mother was to raise two polite, caring, and happy young men. Those are goals that are achievable for Joe as well as Justin [my older son who is at college].

Libbie’s honest response about her family’s journey with Joe inspired me. Although I previously have not written about resiliency with special needs families, I did a partial review of the literature and found some common threads in resiliency practices within the research. Here are 9 ways families with special needs children practice resiliency (these are not in any particular order):

Continue reading →