Feb 26

Guest post: Losing a Hero

Posted on February 26, 2013 by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista

Grief is a great, big monster that jumps out from under the bed and scares the living crap out of you. You don’t see it hiding under there, even if his large, hairy, zombie toe was sticking out just a little. Even if a ghoul straight out of the Thriller movie was in your closet when you opened it up before bed. You ignored it. You’re just not ready, and I am talking about how we adults process and handle grief.

Imagine someone taking your 8 year-old, ADHD world by a string and giving a violent shake and bouncing down the stairs. That’s what happened to our son when my father, his beloved Papa, was diagnosed with stage four glyoblastoma brain cancer and died (what seemed like seconds) 5 weeks later, in November 2011. Continue reading →

Feb 08

Guest post: Autism and My Child: Getting Familiar with What I Already Know

Posted on February 8, 2013 by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista

Mama Bear is the mother of 3 young boys, the oldest suffering from Bipolar 1 Disorder and the youngest diagnosed with depression and possible Aspergers Syndrome. I write a blog to let go of my pain and to help support others by letting them know they’re not alone. Her blog is here: http://mysonhas2brains.blogspot.com/

My recent experience in having my youngest son assessed for autism spectrum disorder has taken me for a bumpy ride. At first, I went through a period of grieving that made it hard to eat and sleep. This was surprising since I never went through this stage with my oldest son when he was diagnosed with a mood disorder. Sure, I was devastated at times, but I didn’t struggle with a feeling of loss so abruptly. I think it was due to my desperate need for my oldest son’s rages to stop and my understanding early on that he had a brain problem. Where with my youngest, I had always believed it was just a stage that he would eventually outgrow. Next, I struggled with my guilt and shame for not seeing my son’s symptoms sooner, I felt like a terrible mother who now had 2 kids cursed with a disorder. As I started getting down to business, preparing for our appointment with the Neurologist, I was forced to face all the unknowns and to explore a world I was unfamiliar with. What followed was a long, slow exhale and a feeling of peace. Continue reading →

Jan 09

Reader post: Let it Go!

Posted on January 9, 2013 by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista

Nana is mom to an 11 yr-old drama tween daughter, a highly gifted, highly adHd/SPD 8 yr-old son, and a stubborn 5 yr-old son who plays the clown. Wife. Employee. Volunteer. Friend. Artist. Craftswoman. Occasional Quirky Crazy Person. She blogs about all sorts of things at nanahgregg.wordpress.com.

I am terrible at New Year’s Resolutions. I’ve never really sat down and made an actual resolution – have always been a bit cynical.

Over the past few months, I think I’ve grown a bit, or matured or something, but I’ve been a bit more reflective.

Having been blessed with a twice-exceptional ETL and 2 other equally challenging kiddos, I am constantly looking on the internet and talking to friends about parenting issues. It’s such a learn-as-you-go occupation, being a parent. It’s so easy to get caught up in what I’m doing wrong, what my perception of ‘good parenting’ means, and what others think that I think I’m missing out on opportunities to be a great parent

So this year I am making a resolution. I’m writing it down, right here for everyone to see and so I can remind myself regularly.

Are you ready for it?

“Let it go.” Continue reading →

Dec 19

You Matter

Posted on December 19, 2012 by Laura Matheos

If you’re reading this, chances are you are mourning the lives lost in Newtown, Connecticut. As the nation begins to emerge from shock and horror, as we pass into a phase of soul searching and debate over gun control and mental health care, dozens of teachers from Sandy Hook Elementary School will start the new year by walking into a school in the neighboring town of Monroe and do something unfathomably courageous. They will greet the hundreds of children who must return to school for the first time since the shooting. They will give reassuring hugs, they will keep a keen eye out for both physical and emotional well-being, they will dedicate every ounce of their being toward making the world right again for those in their care. They will fight the tears that threaten to gush forth, they will suppress their own sorrow and fears so that their children might eventually learn to feel safe again.

I cannot imagine the courage these teachers will have to muster. But I can imagine the love and commitment that drives them. It is the same love and commitment all caregivers have for those who need us.

There have been numerous calls to action to honor those whose lives have been forever altered by this nightmare, most notably Ann Curry’s call for everyone to perform Acts of Kindness for those around us as a way to pay tribute to those who’ve been lost to us. One act I’m going to do is to write thank you notes and deliver them to the Newtown Superintendent, asking her to deliver them to the school staff. Here’s what I want to say:

Thank you for your courage. Thank you for the love you give every day. Thank you for giving the gift of yourself no matter how hard it is sometimes. The people in your world are richer because you are here. You make a difference. You matter.

I read this to myself over and over, wanting it to be concise yet wanting it to speak volumes. Then something occurred to me. This is the same note I want to send to a few of my friends who struggle with depression. With the dark and cold months ahead, I worry that they’ll forget how important they are to their kids, to their grandkids, to me. This is the same note I want to give to my husband to make up for all the times I get too busy to make the time to show him how much I love him. This is the note I want to give myself because I’m trying to be a good friend to me. This is the note I want to give to my son and to my daughter. No matter how often I tell them, they can’t truly comprehend how rich they have made my life, how much they inspire and teach me, how deeply I love them. I want to indelibly write this into their brains so they never, ever doubt just how much they matter. This is the note I want to send to every child who feels disconnected, who feels that no matter how hard he or she tries, (s)he is just too different to ever fit in, to ever be understood.

You matter.

I care.

And so I send you a note today, as a caregiver of children who really, really need you:

Nov 30

On Being Judged

Posted on November 30, 2012 by Laura Matheos

Throughout the year, there are obligatory events that make parents of an “easy to love but hard to raise” child cringe – birthday parties, vacations, trips to see relatives, the start of the school year and the double-whammy of Thanksgiving and the gift-frenzies of December. These are the events we dread because they come with a generous helping of judgment. Every year, you see magazine articles and blogs helpfully entitled “How to Start the School Year Off Right” or “How to Survive the Holidays with Family.” You roll your eyes, knowing there’s no hope for you and your offspring. But you read them anyway. Maybe you’ll glean a smidgeon of insight or at least be reminded that you’re not alone in your dread of gatherings.

The general theme of these essays is that 1. Your child is bound to draw unwelcomed judgment upon him/herself and (guilt by association) you and 2. You can do damage control. I now totally disagree – at least on Point #2.

Recently, my extended family gathered to mark an event (pick any event – they all have the same story). Inevitably, someone made a casual comment about a relative who wasn’t there. That was followed up with a story about the last family event this relative attended where words/actions bypassed someone’s brain filter and led to hurt feelings. Before long, the whole extended family was on Freud’s couch, being analyzed, poked, prodded – and judged. Not all judgments were harsh. There were some nods to noble qualities and thanks for support given in a needy moment. But unkind sentiments weren’t exactly on the endangered list. My overall reaction was to clam up, to move away from a conversation that could become toxic. I’d like to imply this was because I’m above all that, that I don’t have a catty bone in my body. But you’d probably know better.

Continue reading →

Nov 21

Holiday fun! Relatives who don’t get your ETL child…

Posted on November 21, 2012 by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista

I posted this almost a year ago today and it’s still pretty relevant. Thanksgiving and the holidays are really stressful for kids like ours, and unforgiving family doesn’t help matters at all. I’m hoping this year’s holiday will be okay, but I have a contingency plan if anything goes wrong – pay attention to my child and leave as soon as things go awry.

Let’s get one thing straight from the get-go: I have a really great family. My parents, my in-laws, my sisters, their husbands and my nieces – all have been really understanding and forgiving when it comes to dealing with Little J.

Yes, there have been moments, like when my (very tired) mother-in-law was seated next to LittleJ for a 4-hour car ride and he talked non-stop from the maple syrup capital in northern Vermont all the way to their home in western Massachusetts , forcing her to eventually put her hands over her ears to try to drown him out, or the time he called my mom a Big Butt and my step-dad picked him up and turned him upside down to “teach” him not to do that, or the very first time he met his same-age, heretofore peaceful female cousin and within 5 minutes had goaded her into punching him in the head…oh, the list is really endless. But all in all, our immediate family has been very understanding and kind and generous in helping with Little J. Many times much more than I’ve managed to do so, frankly. And I really appreciate it.

Continue reading →

Nov 17

The Village (You are NOT alone)

Posted on November 17, 2012 by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista

There are literally hundreds, if not thousands of people who are involved in my child’s life. At the same time I think it’s really easy to feel isolated as the parent of a child with the type of special needs that my son, Little J, has. His over-arching diagnosis is Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, or FASD, which includes behaviors similar to ADHD and mood disorders – what some people, including me, consider to be “invisible” disabilities.

If you are parenting a child with an “invisible” disability, like I am, and you go out in public and your child has a tantrum or an outburst or rages or otherwise acts up, you are instantly judged as a bad parent. People just don’t understand a child who looks perfectly “normal”, yet whose brain-based disabilities impact behavior and emotional regulation. I cannot tell you the number of times I’ve been told that I just need to spank my child – by perfect strangers and acquaintances alike. Family and friends don’t get it, and although they may care about you and your child they can also be quick to judge – based on assumptions they’re making about your parenting, or about witnessing isolated incidents, or through caring for your child for a couple of hours when he was “perfectly fine for me.” Professionals – even those whose profession is helping a child like yours – need to be educated about your child. And support is hard to find. Add that to the exhaustion and unrelenting stress of trying to find answers to your child’s problems as well as the day-to-day management of your lives and it’s easy to become a hermit. A lonely, stressed-out hermit. Continue reading →

Sep 18

Wah wah. Poor me. Welcome to my pity party.

Posted on September 18, 2012 by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista

Last week I wrote the topic for today’s blog: “Homeschooling the special needs child by building strengths.”

HA HA HA.

Since I spent a good half hour this morning yelling at both my children (1 with FASD and one completely neurotypical), largely about their homeschooling issues, I don’t feel very qualified to talk about homeschooling right now. And my throat hurts from screaming. And I’m embarrassed. It wasn’t pretty. Today isn’t the first day when it’s occurred to me that homeschooling + perimenopause (wah! It’s hit with a vengeance) + working 30 hours/week + just life in general with a child with FASD (fetal alcohol spectrum disorder) is a recipe for disaster. Or at the very least, insanely high stress. Continue reading →

Sep 14

Letting Our Kids Suffer

Posted on September 14, 2012 by Rachel Penn Hannah

Last night I attended my first parent group as a parent. Professionally I am a clinical psychologist and have been doing parent groups on and off for years for those parenting teens with eating disorders. This all came to a halt a couple of weeks ago when I started a two year sabbatical from working to be home with my own three adolescents. So when word got out that a parent support group was starting at my 15 year old daughter’s alternative high school, I thought Why not go? After all, you can never get too much support while parenting teenagers.

The group facilitator, a school co-director and talented adolescent therapist, introduced the idea of letting your teen sort things out by themselves. We all went around and talked about how difficult it is to see your kids suffer, how everything in your being wants to take their pain away even though logically you know that struggle is part of life, a valuable part of life. All of the nine or so parents there could relate to this concept. It might help for you to know that all forty of the teens at the school (tiny, I know) are there because it did not work out in “regular” schools, whether public or private. The students at this wonderful, creative, wacky, nurturing, and sometimes counter-culture school did not fit in socially, have learning differences, have had some trauma, or struggle with anxiety or depression to some degree. These are kids (and parents) who have already been through a lot. I am one of those parents. Continue reading →

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Easy To Love But Hard to Raise

… parenting kids with 'invisible' special needs

Category Archives: resilience