May 17

So Easy To Love

Posted on May 17, 2013 by Kelly

Liam is a spirited child, always has been and always will be. I’ve listened to other people who’ve had the responsibility, and what should have been the privilege, of educating and caring for my son voice their complaints about his unruly and uncooperative behavior. At first it felt hurtful to only hear the negatives. I knew how smart he was and how sensitive.

If you couldn’t keep up with him or if your patience was low that day, you were in for a miserable experience. He was full of energy at all times, I think even while he was sleeping! Add him to a group of other little kids and his energy would only increase. By the end of kindergarten, he was extremely frustrated in school. Still, I knew about those small moments of joy when he felt happy or really engaged in constructive learning and playtime.

I read recently somewhere that first born boys end up with two-thirds of the toxins from their mothers in utero. Toxins like lead and mercury that can affect that boy’s behavior later on. A boy like my first born son, Liam. Was this the cause of his hyperactivity, or was it something else, or a combination of a bunch of other things? Was it his diet, inferior social skills, a cry for attention, allergies, bad parenting, asthma, food intolerances, autism, lack of structure at home, sensory issues or ADHD? What else was there? I didn’t know, but I was determined to find out.

Since Liam’s first month at preschool, I have been on a search for answers. I needed information from our pediatrician and advice of friends. I needed support from my husband and family to find ways to help Liam. I scoured books and websites that offered tips, and even researched scientific data for real evidence-based explanations. I don’t have all my answers yet, but I’m learning as I go like all parents! It’s certainly been a roller coaster ride, but sometimes it’s smooth sailing, albeit rarely. I will cherish those rare but rewarding moments because Liam is the kind of kid who’s so easy to love but hard to raise!

Feb 22

Guest post: A Letter to the Future Teacher of My Exceptional Child

Posted on February 22, 2013 by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista

always_believe

Dear Teacher,

My son will be entering kindergarten this fall. Two years ago, I used to envision myself dropping him off for his first day of school with a tremendous sigh of relief. I would bring him to your classroom, where he would run off and be engaged in any number of different activities, and I would then head over to the Boo Hoo Breakfast, where all the other parents would lament over where the time had gone and I would pretend to be nostalgic but inside just feel relief. This was the fantasy I indulged in until a year ago. I figured I was like a mother giraffe that kicks its calf onto its legs until it staggers into survival. Now I know that when I leave him with you, there will be no great relief. Every day that I send him into the tribe is a day I worry about how he is doing, what he is doing and how you are doing with him. When my phone rings or my inbox has an e-mail, my immediate thought will be, “It’s about him.” Continue reading →

Feb 08

Guest post: Autism and My Child: Getting Familiar with What I Already Know

Posted on February 8, 2013 by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista

Mama Bear is the mother of 3 young boys, the oldest suffering from Bipolar 1 Disorder and the youngest diagnosed with depression and possible Aspergers Syndrome. I write a blog to let go of my pain and to help support others by letting them know they’re not alone. Her blog is here: http://mysonhas2brains.blogspot.com/

My recent experience in having my youngest son assessed for autism spectrum disorder has taken me for a bumpy ride. At first, I went through a period of grieving that made it hard to eat and sleep. This was surprising since I never went through this stage with my oldest son when he was diagnosed with a mood disorder. Sure, I was devastated at times, but I didn’t struggle with a feeling of loss so abruptly. I think it was due to my desperate need for my oldest son’s rages to stop and my understanding early on that he had a brain problem. Where with my youngest, I had always believed it was just a stage that he would eventually outgrow. Next, I struggled with my guilt and shame for not seeing my son’s symptoms sooner, I felt like a terrible mother who now had 2 kids cursed with a disorder. As I started getting down to business, preparing for our appointment with the Neurologist, I was forced to face all the unknowns and to explore a world I was unfamiliar with. What followed was a long, slow exhale and a feeling of peace. Continue reading →

Dec 12

Holy MTHFR!

Posted on December 12, 2012 by Laura Matheos

If I say MTHFR, then Methylenetetrahydrofolate Reductase are the two words that pop into your brain, right? No? Well, hopefully after reading this, you’ll see more than that swear word that caught your attention.

If I next mention bipolar struggles, rapid mood swings, depression, anxiety, heart disease, strokes, macular degeneration, miscarriages – and any of these issues hit home for you, then read on, because you might just want to know about MethyleneTetraHydroFolate Reductase – better known by its abbreviation – MTHFR.

MTHFR is a gene and like all genes, it acts as a light switch – turning on or turning off various body processes. In this case, MTHFR takes folate (vitamin B9) and methylates (converts) it into methylfolate (5-methylTHF). Hardly seems like a big deal, does it? Yet, if you belong to an autism, Pandas, Lyme or chronic fatigue group, you’ve probably noticed a big buzz around this thing called methylation. While the past decade has seen MTHFR studied in terms of cardiovascular disease and cancer, it turns out it might also be a very big deal for those raising kids with developmental, neurological or behavioral symptoms and for those fighting chronic infections.

Methylwhat?

Continue reading →

Nov 17

The Village (You are NOT alone)

Posted on November 17, 2012 by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista

There are literally hundreds, if not thousands of people who are involved in my child’s life. At the same time I think it’s really easy to feel isolated as the parent of a child with the type of special needs that my son, Little J, has. His over-arching diagnosis is Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, or FASD, which includes behaviors similar to ADHD and mood disorders – what some people, including me, consider to be “invisible” disabilities.

If you are parenting a child with an “invisible” disability, like I am, and you go out in public and your child has a tantrum or an outburst or rages or otherwise acts up, you are instantly judged as a bad parent. People just don’t understand a child who looks perfectly “normal”, yet whose brain-based disabilities impact behavior and emotional regulation. I cannot tell you the number of times I’ve been told that I just need to spank my child – by perfect strangers and acquaintances alike. Family and friends don’t get it, and although they may care about you and your child they can also be quick to judge – based on assumptions they’re making about your parenting, or about witnessing isolated incidents, or through caring for your child for a couple of hours when he was “perfectly fine for me.” Professionals – even those whose profession is helping a child like yours – need to be educated about your child. And support is hard to find. Add that to the exhaustion and unrelenting stress of trying to find answers to your child’s problems as well as the day-to-day management of your lives and it’s easy to become a hermit. A lonely, stressed-out hermit. Continue reading →

Nov 07

Bless his heart, or, Meet my ADHD/ODD/PDD/SID/WTHRK (who the heck really knows) boy!

Posted on November 7, 2012 by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista

This post is from 2 years ago and was first posted to A Mom’s View of ADHD. I’m bringing it back for a couple of reasons: one, because it shows how far we’ve come, and two, it shows how much things have stayed the same. Since then he’s been diagnosed with FASD (fetal alcohol spectrum disorder), which not only explains a lot, it explains EVERYTHING, he’s calmed down a lot (largely due to our newfound understanding of FASD, as well as him just getting older and more mature) and we’ve pulled him from school to homeschool, which has solved the problem I describe in this post. I also now know that in fact, his refusal to do homework or to participate in class were because he actually could not do the work. His teachers were wrong. So I unfairly judged him on this day…as I am sure I continue to do. It’s very difficult to understand a child who has ups and downs in behavior like J does, who can control himself one minute and be completely out of control the next. He has grown and developed but it’s very much the same situation, different permutation. And so the emotions I have towards him are the same as they were 2 years ago, although I’m perhaps less desperate feeling. Today. I’m less desperate feeling today. Tomorrow might be entirely different.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the Piggly Wiggly yesterday I was talking to my favorite cashier, Elaine, about my 8 year old son, LittleJ. “He’s been doing his homework so far this year,” I said as she was ringing up my spaghetti squash, “But he just writes whatever. I don’t know if that really counts.”

“He doesn’t understand it?” Elaine asked. Elaine, in addition to being a fine cashier, is also a mother and was an elementary school teacher’s assistant before she retired and became ~~my therapist~~ a grocery store clerk.

“I don’t know,” I admitted. “He doesn’t read the directions or the problems and I don’t know if he can read it and is choosing not to, or if it’s because he’s off in space” here, I make a motion with my hands to indicate my child shooting off to the moon, ”or if he actually can’t read it.” Indeed, my children’s teachers so far have told me that they think he’s capable of doing the work…but he just doesn’t. At home we see glimpses of ability, but only if we sit with him, and when we do that it’s less likely that he’ll actually focus and do the work and more likely that he’ll take the opportunity to push my many buttons, say mean things, cry, or pick his nose. Continue reading →

Oct 30

Guest blog: Life in Shadowland (or, Things I Wish People Understood about Having a Child with a Neurodevelopmental Disorder)

Posted on October 30, 2012 by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista

This is a repost of a guest post by Kelly Schmidt, written back in July. I’m reposting it because it seemed to resonate with a lot of people. Kelly is mom to Nathaniel, and Ph.D. candidate in a developmental psychology program. For Kelly’s full bio, see the bottom of her post.

When Kevin and I were married 10 years ago, we understood that there were no assurances that we would have a child because I have an endocrine disorder that causes fertility problems. Nobody was more surprised or excited than us when we learned 2 months after our wedding that we were expecting. I chose the name “Nathaniel” very deliberately because it means “Gift from God”.

Nathaniel has a BIG personality. His smile is high wattage, his giggle is contagious. He is scary-smart and has an amazing memory. Sometimes he is so thoughtful and concerned about others, he takes my breath away. He has a very strong faith and knows more about the Bible than many adults. He loves sports (especially basketball), Legos, video games (much to my dismay), and reading (which makes me proud), and his brother Joel. He likes to draw cartoons, help make pancakes and cookies, and talks about Pokemon and Mario Bros. endlessly. He is 110% boy.

Nathaniel also has behavioral and psychiatric disorders. The behavior disorder is called Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, also known as ADHD. The psychiatrist calls his psychiatric disorder a “Neurodevelopmental Disorder” but since insurance companies don’t reimburse for treatment of that, she calls it “Mood Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (NOS)” for billing purposes. He has some features of bipolar disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, anxiety disorder, and even Aspergers syndrome. He doesn’t meet clinical criteria for any of those disorders, however, because he is typically not symptomatic anywhere else but at home.

Home is where the explosions occur. Home is where there is defiance, anger, and violence. Home is where frustration boils over to punches, requests lead to rebellion, and yelling and tears are almost daily occurrences for all members of the family. Peace is fleeting. Quiet, dreadful anticipation of the next meltdown or outburst is the norm. Continue reading →

Aug 14

If Mama Ain’t Happy, well…

Posted on August 14, 2012 by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista

This is the speech I gave to welcome everyone to the Happy Mama Conference and Retreat, held a couple of weeks ago in Conover, NC. We had an amazing time and we will definitely be doing it again. I’m sharing the welcome speech on the blog because I think it will resonate with all our readers. Remember, you are not alone.

I’m Adrienne Ehlert Bashista. Some of you might know me from our group blog and book: Easy to Love but Hard to Raise, or through the Facebook page connected to it, or through A Mom’s View of ADHD blog or Facebook page, or some of you might not know me at all.

I have a 10 year old son who has fetal alcohol spectrum disorder, or FASD. I’m not going to talk that much about FASD except to say that it’s a brain-based disorder that manifests itself behaviorally. It’s a physical disability because it is based in his body, but it’s in the part of the body we don’t see, the brain, but the part of the body that has the greatest impact on his behavior, his learning, his ability to get along in the world, and his relationship with his family and anyone else he meets.

Our path to getting our son the correct diagnosis was a loooooong one. His first diagnosis was ADHD, followed by ODD, mood disorder, pervasive developmental disorder, pediatric bipolar, then we found out he has borderline intelligence and finally, after 4 psychiatrists, 3 therapists, 2 family practice doctors, 3 OTs. 1 speech therapist we found the diagnosis that made sense. Continue reading →

Jul 10

Guest blog: Beth’s Story

Posted on July 10, 2012 by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista

Today’s guest blog is by Beth. She is the mother of two beautiful sons who have always been “Easy to love but hard to raise”. My oldest son has ADD and Dyslexia, my youngest has a diagnosis of ADHD with impulsive tendencies and PTSD.

When I became pregnant it was totally unexpected. My husband had two children from a previous marriage who were 13 & 18 and I had brought a 7 year old into the mix. I had been told after my first child that there was no hope for concieving another child so imagine our surprise when after TEN home pregnancy test and TWO blood tests I was definitly pregnant!

My blessing turned into panic when my first exam showed I had a spot on my cervix, after a biopsy I was told it was cancerous cells that would have to be taken care of. I refused to have treatments while I was pregnant and suffered through with the stress of very high blood pressure. It was considered a high risk pregnancy. After 8 months my body and the baby couldn’t take it anymore and my blessing was brought into this world a month early at 5lbs.

His daddy named him Trex although I have no clue to this day where that comes from. It is a strong name and just like a tyrannosaurus Rex he roared his way into this world. Continue reading →

Jul 05

Guest blog: Life in Shadowland (or, Things I Wish People Understood about Having a Child with a Neurodevelopmental Disorder)

Posted on July 5, 2012 by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista

Today’s guest post is by Kelly Schmidt, mom to Nathaniel, and Ph.D. candidate in a developmental psychology program. For Kelly’s full bio, see the bottom of her post.