Feb 26

Guest post: Losing a Hero

Posted on February 26, 2013 by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista

Grief is a great, big monster that jumps out from under the bed and scares the living crap out of you. You don’t see it hiding under there, even if his large, hairy, zombie toe was sticking out just a little. Even if a ghoul straight out of the Thriller movie was in your closet when you opened it up before bed. You ignored it. You’re just not ready, and I am talking about how we adults process and handle grief.

Imagine someone taking your 8 year-old, ADHD world by a string and giving a violent shake and bouncing down the stairs. That’s what happened to our son when my father, his beloved Papa, was diagnosed with stage four glyoblastoma brain cancer and died (what seemed like seconds) 5 weeks later, in November 2011. Continue reading →

Feb 22

Guest post: A Letter to the Future Teacher of My Exceptional Child

Posted on February 22, 2013 by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista

always_believe

Dear Teacher,

My son will be entering kindergarten this fall. Two years ago, I used to envision myself dropping him off for his first day of school with a tremendous sigh of relief. I would bring him to your classroom, where he would run off and be engaged in any number of different activities, and I would then head over to the Boo Hoo Breakfast, where all the other parents would lament over where the time had gone and I would pretend to be nostalgic but inside just feel relief. This was the fantasy I indulged in until a year ago. I figured I was like a mother giraffe that kicks its calf onto its legs until it staggers into survival. Now I know that when I leave him with you, there will be no great relief. Every day that I send him into the tribe is a day I worry about how he is doing, what he is doing and how you are doing with him. When my phone rings or my inbox has an e-mail, my immediate thought will be, “It’s about him.” Continue reading →

Feb 20

Guest post: Been there, done that, where’s the t-shirt?

Posted on February 20, 2013 by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista

I fly at least once a month for my job and each time I arrive at the airport, I am met with the announcement of what color Homeland Security has assigned to our potential travel threats. The color red equals a severe threat of attack, while blue offers a “guarded” risk.

Everywhere we drive, colors represent something similar, as well. From the first time we start to drive, we recognize that the color red, whether on a stop sign or light, dictates that we should stop, while yellow guides us to slow down or proceed with caution.

At least once a month, I see someone post something on Facebook about being “dumb enough to wear a red shirt in Target” and after seeing some version of that sentiment for about the tenth time, I started thinking.
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What if I was able to wear a brightly colored shirt that enabled me to alert those around me that I was in the company of a small child with ADHD? What if I had the luxury of presenting myself with a universally-recognized color garment that told people to “proceed with caution” both in how they regarded my child and how they addressed me? Continue reading →

Feb 19

Guest post: The Shoes that Matter

Posted on February 19, 2013 by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista

A life long resident of upstate New York, Kristin Osborn lives at the foot of the Adirondack mountains with her husband and two kids, 11 and 4. Kristin is a graduate of the State University of New York’s creative writing program and has been working as a manager in medical sales for 10+ years. Being a mother to a son with ADHD has finally given her the outlet to start writing again, as being able to put her feelings into stories is a therapy that’s hard to match.

I have been following the site for a few months now and it has really helped me to deal with my feelings about being a mom to a four-year-old with ADHD. I know so many people ask questions on here, but for me, it’s helped me to just write down my thoughts about my experiences. It’s even helped me to consider starting a blog, just so I can have an outlet. I bet some people can agree! Here’s something that happened just last week:

Last week a Dora the Explorer fruit snack took an 800-mile trip with me. Through a thirty-minute wait at security and through two flights, that chewy little purple smush hung on tight. I travel a lot for business and so because I have a small child with ADHD, I relish those overnight trips by myself. I get to wear clothes that are clean and that also match and I get to eat in restaurants where the food doesn’t come served exclusively on a red tray. Continue reading →

Feb 01

Guest blog: Dating & Raising an “Easy to Love” Child

Posted on February 1, 2013 by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista

Today’s guest blogger is a 35-year-old mom with a 5 year old kiddo with ADHD and ODD. Her child has been on medication since August.

Note: ETL stands for “easy to love,” which is short for the title of the book: Easy to Love but Hard to Raise.

If you asked me to define myself a few years ago, I would use the following words, “failure, divorced, single mother & thirty-one”. At the end of 2009, I asked my ex-husband of seven years, to move out of our home and filed for divorce. He unfortunately got himself heavily into drugs months before his eviction and as a result, he was a danger to me and my child, “M” who was 2 at the time.

M was always a “spirited” child from birth. As 2010 arrived, M was showing more signs of ADHD and M’s behavior was not for the faint of heart. M’s acting out, biting, hitting and uncontrollable anger was exhausting and difficult. As M’s behavior worsened, I felt alone. It was hard for other family members and friends to understand M’s actions and often times; I was looked at as “the problem”. I was emotionally drained. With working full time and dealing with single motherhood and my ETL, I wondered two questions. (1) if I would ever be able to get myself out there and (2) who would want to be a part of my madness? For those that are single mothers and raising ETL kiddos, there is hope.

I decided to take a tiny leap and took the dating world on slowly. I tried EHarmony and went on a series of many bad dates. Either the chemistry was not correct, date did not take hygiene seriously or moved too fast (wanting to meet kids after first date). I actually had one person that wanted to do a “family” date after two dates. That may work for other women, but not me. Not only were the dates bad, but what single working mom really has the time to date, especially a mom of an ETL kiddo? I came to a fast realization that (1) I barely even have time to shave my legs in the shower without M knocking down the door (2) makeup and trying to look cute are overrated (3) Babysitters are few and far between (4) uninterrupted sleep may outweigh a date (5) having thirty minutes to myself definitely outranks a date.

I admit, I had a negative outlook on the whole dating thing and it was not until I crossed paths with someone special that I realized dating might be okay. I ran into someone I knew a long time ago and for me, there was instant chemistry. Even though there was chemistry, our paths would not cross again for five months and when they did, I knew that this person, “B” was special. We took things very slow and did not involve M for many months.

Once M was involved, things got interesting at times. There were times that M had massive tantrums and many therapeutic holds ensued in front of B, who never judged me. Throughout 2010 and 2012, M’s behavior was a see-saw of ups and downs and when there were downs, it was not fun. It took a few years and a therapist to get M evaluated and on medication. Even with M’s medication, M had shares of tantrums and moods. There are two evenings in particular that stand out. One evening, M was in a mood and I had to give M the emergency meds for the first time. M was angry and having a massive tantrum that involved hitting and biting and a therapeutic hold. Once the meds started working, M calmed down but it was about 30 minutes of “fun”. While this was going on, B did not judge me, intervene and most importantly, did not leave. When all was calm, B was outside and I stepped outside to tell him it was safe to come back in and B gave me a hug. I was in emotionally drained and in tears and B told me I was a good mom.

Another time, B came over for dinner. While I was trying to finish dinner and set the table, M started to get in a funky mood. It escalated at dinner and I had to remove M from the table and put M in time out. I had to hold M’s door shut and M had a big one. M destroyed the room, screamed bloody murder and was throwing objects at the door. B asked me if I needed help and I told him I have it handled and to enjoy his dinner. Even though I did not find it funny at the time, I find it comical now, as this is my life at times with M.

Even though it took some time, I was able to find someone that does not judge me or M. B is good to M and provides a positive male role model for M, which I am grateful for.

Raising ETL kiddos is hard, draining and emotionally exhausting but there is hope! Through my story, I want to leave you with the following: 1) Single ETL mommies can date and have a successful relationship 2) your ETL kiddo will be able to handle someone new in their life 3) take things slow and take your time introducing kiddos in the mix 4) try to take time for yourself whether it is gym time, nap or relaxing 4) Humor can make the worst day a better one 5) Things may not be perfect but you can be happy.

Nov 26

Sometimes My Child Needs A Different Mother

Posted on November 26, 2012 by Rachel Penn Hannah

I’m frustrated and sad because I don’t know how to help you with this. I don’t like to see you in pain, but I don’t know what to do.”

Have you ever wondered if your child would do better in life if they had a different mother? Perhaps we all have. I have often had the thought that I am too soft to be good enough as a mother, that I have too much empathy that has gotten in the way of me giving my three children what they need. But having this thought as it applies to my oldest two children has been occasional and minor, where as this thought has, at times, been overwhelming when it comes to mothering my youngest daughter, Sarah.

Sarah is now in the seventh grade, her second year of middle school, the hardest year of middle school for most girls, and almost every school day over the past three months has been a challenge. My girl has had major mood issues her whole life, anxiety that manifests as angry outbursts, and ADHD. She has had many interventions over the years, but the most effective, it seems, has been riding horses. With horses she is able to relax, to be accepted, to learn about communication, among many other things. But medication has also been necessary and something she fights every day. Continue reading →

Nov 23

Driver’s Education

Posted on November 23, 2012 by Victoria Marie Lees

Test taking is difficult for Marie, but there can be no modifications on a state driving test. Nor should there be. It just wouldn’t seem right—even for special needs students. Marie is on her own.

I was all excited about Marie learning to drive. Yes! One less person to chauffeur around. Who knows? Eventually, she could help me chauffeur her siblings to sports practices, dance lessons, or music events. I was psyched!

I’d ask Marie daily how Driver’s Ed was going—to the exclusion of her other courses. She’d answer as she always does, “Fine.” But I was in my dream world. My first daughter is going to drive, I repeatedly told myself. In fact, I bragged to my entire family. My dad even bought Marie a bumper sticker:

“If you don’t like my driving, stay off the sidewalk!”

I laughed. I praised her. My first daughter won’t be bugging me to take her places anymore. She, in fact, will be able to help me take others. I was in Heaven.

And then I woke up. Class test grades filtered in for this 23-day course, and reality clouded my days. Marie wasn’t going to pass the state test unless I studied nonstop with her. And even then we are never sure. My excitement about having assistance with chauffeuring children started to fade.

I hammered away at the notes, reading to Marie, having her actually look at the terms to be able to recognize them when she saw them on a test. Each night we would both end a session of studying with tears.

This is NOT the way to study with a special needs child. No matter what YOU want, some things are not to be. Marie failed the test by 4 points, which is pretty good for her. I told her we could study again and she could retake the written test in the summer. She didn’t look interested. At all. My husband tried to get me to see. At this time, Marie is not interested in driving. I realized he was correct. And then I cried myself to sleep.

Nov 07

Bless his heart, or, Meet my ADHD/ODD/PDD/SID/WTHRK (who the heck really knows) boy!

Posted on November 7, 2012 by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista

This post is from 2 years ago and was first posted to A Mom’s View of ADHD. I’m bringing it back for a couple of reasons: one, because it shows how far we’ve come, and two, it shows how much things have stayed the same. Since then he’s been diagnosed with FASD (fetal alcohol spectrum disorder), which not only explains a lot, it explains EVERYTHING, he’s calmed down a lot (largely due to our newfound understanding of FASD, as well as him just getting older and more mature) and we’ve pulled him from school to homeschool, which has solved the problem I describe in this post. I also now know that in fact, his refusal to do homework or to participate in class were because he actually could not do the work. His teachers were wrong. So I unfairly judged him on this day…as I am sure I continue to do. It’s very difficult to understand a child who has ups and downs in behavior like J does, who can control himself one minute and be completely out of control the next. He has grown and developed but it’s very much the same situation, different permutation. And so the emotions I have towards him are the same as they were 2 years ago, although I’m perhaps less desperate feeling. Today. I’m less desperate feeling today. Tomorrow might be entirely different.

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At the Piggly Wiggly yesterday I was talking to my favorite cashier, Elaine, about my 8 year old son, LittleJ. “He’s been doing his homework so far this year,” I said as she was ringing up my spaghetti squash, “But he just writes whatever. I don’t know if that really counts.”

“He doesn’t understand it?” Elaine asked. Elaine, in addition to being a fine cashier, is also a mother and was an elementary school teacher’s assistant before she retired and became ~~my therapist~~ a grocery store clerk.

“I don’t know,” I admitted. “He doesn’t read the directions or the problems and I don’t know if he can read it and is choosing not to, or if it’s because he’s off in space” here, I make a motion with my hands to indicate my child shooting off to the moon, ”or if he actually can’t read it.” Indeed, my children’s teachers so far have told me that they think he’s capable of doing the work…but he just doesn’t. At home we see glimpses of ability, but only if we sit with him, and when we do that it’s less likely that he’ll actually focus and do the work and more likely that he’ll take the opportunity to push my many buttons, say mean things, cry, or pick his nose. Continue reading →

Oct 30

Guest blog: Life in Shadowland (or, Things I Wish People Understood about Having a Child with a Neurodevelopmental Disorder)

Posted on October 30, 2012 by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista

This is a repost of a guest post by Kelly Schmidt, written back in July. I’m reposting it because it seemed to resonate with a lot of people. Kelly is mom to Nathaniel, and Ph.D. candidate in a developmental psychology program. For Kelly’s full bio, see the bottom of her post.

When Kevin and I were married 10 years ago, we understood that there were no assurances that we would have a child because I have an endocrine disorder that causes fertility problems. Nobody was more surprised or excited than us when we learned 2 months after our wedding that we were expecting. I chose the name “Nathaniel” very deliberately because it means “Gift from God”.

Nathaniel has a BIG personality. His smile is high wattage, his giggle is contagious. He is scary-smart and has an amazing memory. Sometimes he is so thoughtful and concerned about others, he takes my breath away. He has a very strong faith and knows more about the Bible than many adults. He loves sports (especially basketball), Legos, video games (much to my dismay), and reading (which makes me proud), and his brother Joel. He likes to draw cartoons, help make pancakes and cookies, and talks about Pokemon and Mario Bros. endlessly. He is 110% boy.

Nathaniel also has behavioral and psychiatric disorders. The behavior disorder is called Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, also known as ADHD. The psychiatrist calls his psychiatric disorder a “Neurodevelopmental Disorder” but since insurance companies don’t reimburse for treatment of that, she calls it “Mood Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (NOS)” for billing purposes. He has some features of bipolar disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, anxiety disorder, and even Aspergers syndrome. He doesn’t meet clinical criteria for any of those disorders, however, because he is typically not symptomatic anywhere else but at home.

Home is where the explosions occur. Home is where there is defiance, anger, and violence. Home is where frustration boils over to punches, requests lead to rebellion, and yelling and tears are almost daily occurrences for all members of the family. Peace is fleeting. Quiet, dreadful anticipation of the next meltdown or outburst is the norm. Continue reading →

Oct 26

Getting Your Child to Do What’s Best for Her

Posted on October 26, 2012 by Victoria Marie Lees

Marie has been demonstrating her kindness ever since the time she had covered me up with her favorite yellow blanket when I was lying on the couch, suffering from morning sickness when I was expecting her sister. She was two years old then. She became “little mother hen” in our family being the oldest of five children.

Whereas Marie being a second pair of eyes to help me at home raising five children was a blessing, the teacher in school did not want, nor did she solicit, a second pair of eyes to help her watch and/or teach the class.

Marie has always been a caring individual, but I realize sometimes to distraction. In elementary school, she always worried about her classmates, informing the teacher constantly who needed what…and of course, who DID what. Understandably, this did not allow her much time to work on her class work, which wreaks havoc on someone with a learning disability.

I joined in with all her teachers, reminding her every day to concentrate only on Marie. However, she felt that she was benefiting others with her concern. We told her to finish her work first, before she got involved in what others were doing in class. But habits are more difficult for special needs students to break. This is why we must instill habits that will strengthen our children to cope with the day to day struggles they will face in their school years as well as in life.

Consistency is the key. Instruct all the adults in your special needs child’s life [doctors, teachers, assistants] to remind your child what she/he should be doing. It will take time. Prayer doesn’t hurt either. Good luck!