The fiercest blue eyes you’ve ever seen, the most wild dishwater blonde hair, big for his age, loving, compassionate, loyal, passionate about what and who he loves, occasionally loud, funny, dramatic, impulsive, rushes sometimes.  These are the things that people who think they know my son say about him.  It is those people who don’t see him in his dark moments; they see him only in the mask he puts on for the world.  They are his teachers, my friends and some of our family.  It is not that my son isn’t all of those things, but he is so much more.  Lucais is also a strong soul for he has to deal with the “monster” in his head, as he puts it.  And he has dealt with it since he was only 5 years old.  Lucais’ “monster” is much like mine, because we both are diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.  But his is still different, because Pediatric Bipolar or Early Onset Bipolar as it is also known as, hasn’t had the kind of research or given its due as adult Bipolar has.

Just what does it mean for my son to be diagnosed with this disorder?  Even I, who have experienced some of the same symptoms can’t be too sure.  According to him, there are “shadows” out to get him in his room, voices telling him he is worthless and this “monster” inside his head that makes him mean to others and himself.  Lucais can be elated, depressed and everywhere in between several times within a 24 hour period.  He angers easily and yells often, mostly at me, because I am the one he feels most comfortable with and I am the one who should know what he is going through.  But sometimes, I yell back and it gets us nowhere.  That’s when Dad or Gram steps in.  Without our strong support system, Luc and I would be lost and we know that, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

Perhaps the most difficult thing for Lucais to handle is his innate need to keep his condition from those around him.  If you ask any of his teachers, they will tell you there appears to be nothing wrong with him.  Yes, he rushes his homework, he sometimes can’t sit still, he gets loud, but all in all, he’s a typical 9 year old boy.  But the minute he walks through the door, the mask is dropped and the true Lucais comes out.  Sometimes he’s calm, but other times, he rages like a storm and there is no way to know what you will find when he walks through the door.

Lucais has been faced with a major challenge lately.  He had to deal with the fact that I was hospitalized recently because my medication was not working properly.  I spent one week completely isolated from my children as they were not allowed at the hospital and Lucais asked Gram and Dad question after questions, many of them relating to whether he would end up in a hospital one day too.  I am grateful that he didn’t see me while I was there.  While the hospital was fine, I do not want him to ever feel the need to ponder on what it would be like to be confined to a space and not allowed to leave until another human made that decision for you.  I am now in a partial hospitalization program and am able to be with him, but he still has so many questions.

The one thing that I want to instill in him above all else is that his illness is no different than that of someone who has diabetes or a heart problem.  It is a biological illness that resides in the brain.  It is not “all in his head” and should be respected as a genuine sickness that can be treated with proper medication and lifestyle changes.  Just as a diabetic needs to watch their diet, so must we to help stabilize our mood.  Just as someone with cancer may need to get chemotherapy, we need talk therapy.  The methods of treatment really are more alike than not.  So let me leave you with this, if you know someone who is diagnosed with a mental illness, ask yourself – if it were cancer how would I respond?  You would most likely offer your support and want to be there for them.  Do the same for the person diagnosed with mental illness.