2012 June | Easy To Love But Hard to Raise

I had the strangest experience the other day. I became totally overwhelmed with anxiety. Not your run of the mill worries. Not an “Oh man, this sucks, I wish I didn’t have to face this” kind of worry. I’m talking about an “OMG, the world is closing in around me, I can’t breathe or scream for help and no one seems to be noticing” kind of worry.

It didn’t matter that what I was worried about was being hugely exaggerated in my head. That if my fears ever did come true, it would be eons in the future. It didn’t matter that I knew many things would change in the coming years that could make all this wasted energy irrelevant. It didn’t help when I reminded myself that there were many people and backup plans to support me if my fears did happen to come true. I was gripped by unrelenting, dark, suffocating, paralyzing fear. I felt like I was being buried alive, watching the light disappear as dirt fell around me, squeezing away the air pockets that would keep me alive. I was utterly alone, isolated, terrified. It took enormous energy to get through each moment, feeling like the activities swirling around me – kids playing, dog barking, neighbors mowing the lawn – were actions in a movie. I was only watching. I wasn’t part of the life going on around me. I was instead held hostage inside my own head. A tightness gripped my chest, so tight that when I tried to take a deep breath, it only confirmed that I was suffocating, because no matter how much air I tried to suck in, no matter which relaxation trick I tried, it only left me feeling more deprived of air, more desperate, now even further from the calm I so urgently craved.

When my husband came home that night, I told him what I was feeling. He showed concern but there wasn’t much he could do. It was all in my head and I was the only one who could fix this. That experience – of trying to reach out for help, for connection – only made me feel worse, because it reinforced just how alone I was. I was the only one who could change this and since I felt powerless to conquer this overwhelming fear, I was truly, totally, completely screwed. Impotent. Doomed. Continue reading →

This mama ain’t been very happy lately. In fact, my never-ending worries about my 11 year old daughter, Natalie, who has ADHD, sensory processing disorder, anxiety, and is on the fetal alcohol spectrum, have put me in a real funk. Most days, my bed starts calling my name by mid-afternoon. I’ve had zero motivation to work or do most anything else. I’ve felt like avoiding any and all social interactions. This funk has been severe enough, and lasted long enough, that I decided I had to make a conscious effort to do something about it—to take better care of myself. So, I made a few small changes in my daily routine. I started going for a short walk several days each week. I pulled my vitamin and mineral supplements out of the cupboard and recommitted to taking them daily. I gave myself permission to spend more time reading for pleasure. I’ve been scheduling a few lunches out with friends.

I firmly believe that when you’re living with the stress of raising a child with special needs, you have to make a conscious effort to take care of yourself. After all, as the saying goes, if Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. Even small investments in your own well-being, like those I listed above, can make a difference in how well you cope with day-to-day challenges.

Yes, small is good. But big is even better! So, I’ve also pledged to do something significant. I’ve registered to attend the Happy Mama Conference & Retreat, a two day getaway especially for moms of kids with special needs.

The Happy Mama Conference & Retreat will take place July 28–29, 2012, at the Rock Barn Golf & Spa, in Conover, North Carolina. Here’s what the retreat is all about, as described on the Happy Mama website, www.if-mama-aint-happy.com :

What: A CONFERENCE that focuses on your needs as the mom to a child with a very real, but invisible, brain-based disability, like ADHD, ADD, OCD, ODD, FASD, PBD, SPD, PDD, or one of the many other overlapping conditions that make parenting your child an extra challenging situation, and a RETREAT, where we’ll provide you with wonderful food, spa opportunities, fun activities, and camaraderie with other moms who know exactly where you’re coming from.

Why: Because parenting children with invisible disabilities is an extremely stressful, isolating, and emotional job and one which can impact your health and well-being in a negative way.

The retreat, hosted by DRT Press (publisher of Easy to Love but Hard to Raise) and the website {a mom’s view of ADHD} (founded and edited by Penny Williams) and supported by a growing list of sponsors, including CHADD and the Catawba Valley Medical Center, will offer the perfect blend of education, support, and pampering.

Saturday’s speakers will cover: “Parenthood, Stress, Health, and Resiliency,” “Advocating for Your Child in School,” and “How to Be Happy: Calming Techniques for You and Your Child.” Sunday will be devoted to fun and pampering, which may include spa treatments, relaxing by the pool, gem mining, hiking, yoga, horseback riding, or kayaking.

Doesn’t that sound fabulous? I can hardly wait!

Sharon Barbary Bryan registered for the conference, but has since found out that she’s unable to attend. Sharon is donating her conference registration and on-site lodging, approximately a $350 value, to a deserving mom! The retreat organizers are running a contest to determine what lucky mama will be the recipient of Sharon’s generous gift. Here’s how it works: Follow this link. Nominate a special needs mama whom you feel deserves to attend the retreat, by writing a sentence or two in the comments field (of that post, not this one!) explaining why she needs a break. The contest will run June 1 – June 22.

If you are interested in attending whether you win this contest or not, please don’t hesitate to register now. Registration is just $129 until July 1. If you are “in the business” of ADHD, FASD, ASD, or other brain-based disorders and wish to become a retreat sponsor, email happymamaretreat@gmail.com for their sponsorship package.

In the meantime, take a few steps, big or small, to take better care of yourself. You work so hard to bring happiness to your special child. You deserve to be happy too.