When I signed up to write a Valentine’s Day blog post on this blog, I truly intended it to be a list of all the ways I love my little bundle of joy. Seriously. There is a lot to love, but because of this morning I am not feeling it.
I’m not feeling love. At all. Just tolerance. And only because he’s my child. If he were not my child, if he were a boyfriend or a friend or even someone I was married to or another family member then this relationship would have ended a long time ago.
I know that sounds pretty shocking. I’m kind of shocked writing it. But it’s the truth. Because my child has brain damage due to in-utero alcohol abuse by his birth mother, and because he experience trauma before he came to me, he has some problems with attachment. Not full-blown Reactive Attachment Disorder. Maybe half-blown Reactive Attachment Disorder. Because most of the time he can be a part of our family to the best of his ability, given that he does have significant brain damage and social skills problems and impulsivity and a mood disorder. But sometimes he can’t. Most mornings he can’t. And this morning, oh, THIS MORNING, this VALENTINE’S DAY MORNING, he really, really, really couldn’t.
Here’s how it went down.
J woke up about 15 minutes after I did and announced himself by throwing his slippers at me, then stomping into the kitchen. “Good morning,” I said.
“I am going to be especially mean to you because it’s Valentine’s Day!” he replied.
Uh oh, I thought. Steel yourself. And then the games began.
“COOK ME EGGS!” J announced.
“There’s only one egg,” I said. “I can cook you that egg and some cheese grits.”
“I WANT YOGURT!”
“Okay.”
“I DON’T WANT SHITTY YOGURT! I WANT EGGS! AND PUT CHEESE IN THEM.”
“We only have one egg. I can make you that egg and cheese grits.”
“I WANT YOGURT.”
“Okay.”
“I WANT EGGS.”
“Look, here are your choices. An egg and grits, or yogurt.”
“AN EGG AND GRITS.”
I get out the egg carton and put water on to boil for the grits. He doesn’t say anything. I pull out last night’s mac and cheese and start packing it up for his lunch.
“I DON’T WANT MAC AND CHEESE. I WANT BEANS!”
“Nope. I’m not opening beans when we have these leftovers. You like mac and cheese.”
“MAC AND CHEESE SUCKS AND YOU’RE FAT. FATTY FATTY FAT ASS. “
I take some breaths. Ignore, ignore, I tell myself. The timer goes off on the stove. “Your grits are done.”
“I WANT YOGURT!”
Okay, let me interrupt this exchange, which actually was much longer than this, probably a good 20 minutes, during which he repeatedly screamed at me about not wanting eggs, then wanting eggs, and telling me how MEAN I was, and what a BITCH I am and how fat my ASS is, to explain that this is actually not something out of the ordinary in our house. It wasn’t just my Valentine’s Day present. This is kind of a typical morning exchange, except for the fact that he usually goes through this DEMAND/REJECTION/ABUSE/NEUTRALITY cycle 2 or 3 times, then settles down and eats whatever I cook him. Here, I made a little picture to illustrate:
The difference is that THIS morning he cycled through it probably 15 times, was 10 times more abusive than most, and followed it up with accusing me of not wanting him, not loving him, and wanting him to go live with another family.
Now, I know that those of you who don’t have a child who behaves like this thinks that the OBVIOUS solution is not to do anything when he talks to me like this. Oh well, if you can’t talk to my nicely then no breakfast for you! Please don’t think I haven’t tried it! I have. Many times. It generally results in hour-long tantrums, plus he doesn’t straighten up and talk to me nicely. No he doesn’t. He just screams and screams and doesn’t eat the only meal of the day that he actually eats (and no, if he’s hungry enough he won’t eat something later – the child does not get hungry any other time of day. It’s a combination of not recognizing hunger due to FASD and his stimulant medicine). I would LOVE it if the just-ignore-it or don’t-respond tactic would work with him. But one of the problems with kids with FASD is that they just don’t “get” cause and effect. When I’ve tried this tactic before I eventually started feeling that he could tantrum every morning for the next 3 years and it would never get better.
Still, it never gets better the way we’re doing it. Which means one of 2 things: we can do something better or we can live with it for the rest of our lives.
But back to this morning’s scene. We’d left off with my child accusing me of not wanting him, not loving him, and wanting him to live with someone else. In my head I knew at this point the best thing to do for his attachment insecurity would be to assure him he was wanted and loved and we wanted him to be in our family forever. Even after all this screaming and nonsense I still had my thoughts together enough to know that would be the very best thing to do. But I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t.
Because you know what? I felt the absolute OPPOSITE of that. At that moment I did not want him, I did not love him, and I would have paid good money for someone to take him to live somewhere else for a couple of days. No one in my life has ever spoken to me this way. And if they did and I had a choice then bam – good-bye. End of that relationship. And meanwhile this child speaks to me that way every single morning, and has done so for about 4 years now.
And I put up with it. Clearly, I can’t end this relationship. He is my child. And he’s only 9, and his developmental age is around 4, and he needs my help even though he does a great deal to reject it. And this scares me to death when I think of the future because this is a person whose intellectual capacity and adaptive functioning behaviors are very, very low, and he will need to rely on other people’s help for the rest of his life. And if his pattern is to reject that help, especially once he gets close to a caregiver? It scares me.
Again, back to the scene. Here’s my parental mismanagement: instead of assuring him I loved him I told him to quit freaking out, that I wished it wasn’t Valentine’s day because it was making him act crazy, then I told him to leave the room. Which he did, but it was to go into my husband’s office where he screamed at my husband about breakfast while my husband was doing exercises to relieve back pain he probably has due to stress, at which point I marched in, grabbed him, smacked his rear, and tossed him outside.
Nice. I lost it. Really good calm, cool, and collected parenting behavior, I know. All I can say is thank goodness today is a school day because if we were still homeschooling I SHUDDER to think what the rest of the day would be like. At least today I have a couple hours to do some self-care, to try to recover, and to cry in peace.
So, what to do? I don’t know. I thought about it on my restorative walk (see – self care. Important!) and the only thing I can really think of to do is to take food choice and preparation completely out of our morning routine, which includes lunch preparation, and then remove myself from wherever he is in the morning. If I pack his lunch at night then he can’t boss me around about it in the morning, and if I make something I can just reheat and put in front of him for breakfast then I can’t be badgered and bossed while cooking.
But maybe I’m missing the forest for the trees? I know I’m focusing on the mechanics of our morning instead of the deep emotional whirlpool that my child is caught up in, but the FASD makes it so complicated. It is entirely possible that his (alcohol damaged) brain simply does not have the function to ever get beyond this emotional pit. I don’t feel that he is actually CHOOSING this behavior. And if he’s not choosing to do it, then he can’t choose NOT to do it.
Does that make any sense at all?
So, how about you? Have you been there? Done that? Have out-of-the-box solutions for me? Think I should be reported to DSS?
Oh, help.
Adrienne Bashista is the co-editor of and contributor to the book, Easy to Love but Hard to Raise: Real Parents, Challenging Kids, True Stories. She writes about parenting a special needs son, advocacy for special needs parents, and FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder). She lives in North Carolina with her husband, two sons, dogs, chickens, and bees.
Oh have we been here. I know this cycle so well. I’ve felt too the knowing that what my son needs at that moment is too hear that he is loved but when that’s last thing that I’m feeling it’s kind of hard to say with any sincerity:) , and our son KNOWS when it’s insincere. The thing is our doesn’t to the best of our knowledge have FAS but we are nontheless caught in this cycle. Thank you for words to my feelings and letting me know that I’m not the only one who starts their days off like this.
My only suggestion from personal experience (my son has an autism/ADHD/mood disorder diagnosis) is that automation is important. No choices to breakfast. No choice to lunch. And generally its the same foods for those meals each day (granted hunger, and appetite have only just become an issue due to stimulant meds, so this may need some adjustment). When its automatic there’s no less fight. And it gives me the patience to deal with the other battles later instead of using it all up first thing in the morning. Now obviously its not a solution for everything. Our children can be wildly unpredictable. But I think you’re on the right track with the meals. How can that sort of preparation be moved into other areas of your life with J?
We all lose our sh#@ at times. It happens and we try and learn from it (or just move on because sometimes there’s nothing to learn other than you’re freakin’ stressed, which you already knew). I feel bad that you go through this every morning with no end in sight. And I wish I had something earth shattering to suggest.
We do what we do because we love them. Even if it is only most of the time.
Oh Adrienne,
I had (and have had, for the last several nights), the same intensity of interaction with my ETL child – and felt exactly as you. Last night, I lost it on my son as well – and it wasn’t pretty. As parents of ETL kids, we face challenges on a daily basis that most parents only have to face (if at all), a few times in the course of their parenting careers! The fact that you are sharing your experience with others is courageous, to say the least. Most parents of kids like ours don’t ever talk about these moments, and suffer in silence – not ever really knowing that the rest of us are out here! So thank you for sharing – I, for one, can completely relate.
I actually think you have it on the nose – limit the choices, if at all. He’s obviously having a hard time making them most mornings and he’s turning what choices he has into a power struggle. Remember that negative attention is attention – and I notice that my ETL child will seek out negative attention much easier than appropriate attention (no asking for hugs/kisses, but engaging in a power struggle is second nature for him). I think ETL kids crave power/control – oftentimes their anxiety drives them to this state – and I think, as you said – it’s unbeknownst to them. How to diffuse it, is the key – and that’s way easier said than done. And quite frankly, just like you, there are times that I don’t WANT to diffuse my anger and I could give a hoot about his. I want to shout in his face (and sometimes do) – YOU CAN’T TREAT ME THIS WAY – I AM NOT YOUR DOOR MAT. I think the same things as you – nobody in my life treats me this way, it feels like an abusive relationship – and every instinct in our bodies tell us – this is not right…but when it’s your child, and especially your child whom you know has absolutely NO consistent ability to respect boundaries nor think before he acts/speaks – that makes it even harder to work with.
I, personally, started taking Lexapro and have my own therapist whom I see every two weeks – just to have a sounding board to vent and who can validate that I’m not a monster when I lose my temper . For years I did not have this outlet – and things were much worse. This is what helps me – along with your Blog, and the ADHD Mommas blog/pages.
I typically don’t give my ETL many choices for meals – I just don’t want to deal with the power struggles. Give it a try – just pack his lunch and hand it to him as he’s leaving – have breakfast ready before he sits down, etc. It might be a tough transition for him to get used to, but maybe in the end he’ll be relieved that he won’t have to make the choice. Maybe he has some anxiety over “what if I make the wrong choice?” That could be why he’s changing his mind so much – maybe he really does want you to make the choice for him – or at least take the burden off of him??? Keep us posted. Hugs – you’re not a bitch!!!!!
I have felt that way many times in journey of raising my now 18yr old. I felt that way just the other day while he (@ 18) was throwing another tantrum and disrupting the peace of my home.
Hang in there. We are not bad mothers or fathers. We are all doing the best in tough, seemingly impossible situations. I wish I had been as proactive about self-care. That is a biggy and I am only just now trying to work that out.
Julia L, you summed it up so well.
I just wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone. While I have never had the explosive tantrum issue to deal with in our home, I have had many power struggles with my son and “lost it” many times even when I have the very best intention not to.
I have actually told my son that he needs to find a new place to live if he continues to talk to me and treat me the way he does. He sometimes thinks what we ask him to do is so unreasonable…I mean taking a shower and doing your homework is completely uncalled for, right?? I was so sick of fighting over simple tasks like brushing teeth, showering, throwing away little wrappers instead of throwing them on the floor…that I actually told him to call his aunt, call his grandparents…go find somewhere else to live for awhile and see what the expectations are with people who really don’t “get” you.
Frustrations set in very easily when you are exposed to an irritant on a daily basis. I compare it to having a wound that is barely scabbed over, if you nick it, it will bleed easier than if you nick fully healed skin. Living with an ETL kid is like always having that scab that won’t heal so hitting the frustration level comes easy and fast sometimes (at least for me).
Hugs and empathy.
Finally got our tantrummy Aspie through this a while back, with a lot of help from outside therapists. Agree with limiting choices: “You may have A or B”. You might also set out his lunch choices the night before, keeping it very simple, and let him pack the bag.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with picking him up (if he’s still light enough not to strain your back), plopping him in a chair, and telling him that you’ll be happy to talk to him when he can be civil. From your description, it may take about ten thousand repetitions to get the point across. You may also have to wrap him in a bear hug (restraining) and say, “I love you enough to stop you from doing hurtful things.”
We have several kids with various issues, and we’ve had our sturm und drang too. I’ve had my Bad Mommy moments as well.
What resources does your state have for training for special needs care? Here in Wisconsin, we have the CESA offices for teachers and parents.
http://dpi.wi.gov/cesa.html
CESA covers a lot of things, including training sessions and workshops for methods for special ed. Our eldest was the first kid with an Aspie diagnosis in our school district, and we were blessed with school staff who made a serious effort to learn what to do (once they saw our kid, they said, “Hey, there are a dozen kids in the district who look like this; now we know what to call it”). When our Aspies were small, our school staff told me about workshops related to the Autism spectrum. If you have a good rapport with your school staff, ask them whether they have resources like this.
The LORD bless you and keep you, the LORD make his face shine on you, and give you peace. Love, Grandma
I can relate. I have a 9-year-old foster son diagnosed with RAD, ODD, and ADHD. I don’t know a LOT about FASD, but I get the behaviors you’re describing. My son used to verbally berate me if he didn’t like what I made for dinner, and if I told him to go to his room, he would begin breaking things. If I came anywhere near him when he was like this, he would make me a target, physically assaulting me MANY times and doing thousands of dollars of damage to my home (including shattering the rear windshield on my car with a rock.)
Some things that helped: a change in meds (he takes an ADHD med plus something to lower his blood pressure, so he doesn’t get so worked up); a change in routine (he’s not allowed in the room when I’m cooking, he has timers for activities such as showering and brushing teeth, we have an hour or “quiet” time first thing in the morning and immediately before bed); attachment building exercises (we learn through his therapist, but there are tons of resources out there); and a zero-tolerance attitude for the behavior.
A brilliant foster parent explained it this way: “You can’t ‘fix’ what’s wrong or get them to connect feelings and actions in a way that makes sense to you, but you can get them to BEHAVE.” She said that kids who have been through trauma often have problems dealing with the uncertainty that comes with having choices. She suggested putting tighter, unbreakable limits on him.
I have learned to look for early warning signs he was going to blow up, and stop it before it happened. I also correct EVERY negative behavior. If he stomps down the stairs, he walks back up and down in a normal fashion. If he raises his hand in a threatening way, I grab his hand and pin his arms to his side, and then he earns a consequence. If he raises his voice at me, he immediately earns a consequence (“you just earned a chore- keep talking and you’ll earn another”). It took MONTHS of him testing the theory and me spending HOURS supervising chores (because he can’t be trusted to do them without supervision- no impulse control). Then, I upped the positive reinforcement exponentially so that he doesn’t have to misbehave to get attention.
We also created a “special” play time when he’s doing well. It gives him half an hour where he can get mom to play anything he wants, by whatever ridiculous rules he comes up with (as long as it’s not breaking any house rules or being unsafe). He creates games in which I’m set up to lose, but it does wonders for his self-esteem and our bonding.
It’s a lot of work, but it’s working. It’s been 3 months since he hit me or broke anything and 2 since he’s used a swear word. He’s also had fewer problems at school.
I don’t know if any of this will work for you, but but I know I was always looking for ideas, so there it is. Good luck, and stay strong. Give yourself a little celebration for getting this far.
I just got around to reading this. I feel sick to my stomach reading what you go through every day. I so admire your willingness to admit that in the moment (and I can imagine many moments) did not want to be in a relationship at all with J. I think we all “lose our sh*t,” as Julia said, and letting it all out on your blog (when most of us are too chicken to verbalize this stuff to our closest confidante) is beyond brave. I am fascinated by your drawing of the Demand/Refusal/Abuse/Neutralize cycle the two of you do. I agree with everyone’s suggestion of limiting or eliminating the choices, and yet how do we help YOU get out of the cycle? Does your husband take turns with you on this stuff, or are you the main punching bag? If the power/control element is focused squarely on the dance you and J do together, what would it be like to put someone else in a few days a week? Would your husband and your 12 year old be willing/able to take a day to help him get ready? If all 3 of you can come up with a strategy to deal with the cycle, it might take the pressure off you. I apologize if these are things you have already thought of/tried before – my heart just hurts for you and your family. I love all of Jenn’s suggestions in her post – they focused on the immediate behaviors and how you can impact them.
One thing I would add is that when they come out of the gate being rude, I have them “replay” what they just did in a kinder way so we can interrupt the cycle before it gets out of hand. So for example, when he threw the slippers at you, stop the cycle right then and there. “Wow, I noticed you threw your slippers at me. Let’s replay that again in a kinder way. Would you like me to show you?” Then get up, walk out of the room, walk in the room and say, “Good morning, Mom!” And highlight to him that THIS is what it looks like and ask him to show you. After he is able to walk in the room kindly, then introduce the 2 breakfast choices. Again, I apologize if it’s something you’ve tried or if the cycle gets out of hand too quickly. I sooo hope that you are able to distance yourself from that cycle he hooks you into. It may take months of replaying immediate situations, but maybe stopping the cycle early will help him change his own contribution to it.
Wish I could hug you, Adrienne. I will be thinking of you. Take care.
This is such an amazing and couragous post – and I adore all the answers. You are a warrior mom.
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I also echo what Julia said. My husband and I are parenting a foster to adopt (we have adopted her) FAE child, she is 7. She has had some tantrums, fits, anger, and back talking. She is ADHD, and probably sensory. She has to be told repeatedly what to do, as far as routines go. She’s pretty easy with the meals, though, likes her food, and will eat most things. But there are times it’s very hard parenting her and we get few breaks. There are times I love her so much and times I have a hard time parenting her. We’ve all lost it at times.
I like the idea of a couple of choices, and preparing food the night before and having it ready. If you try this I will be interested to see how it goes. It is a heavy burden sometimes to parent these children.
I too send a hug, and have read your responses and gained some knowledge as well. Take care, you are definitely a warrior mom.
These are just amazing stories. What courage in parenting. In working with a friend and her ODD/ADHD daughter I came to find that she seemed to be never loved enough, never had enough attention. It was as though she was a bottomless pit for love and attention, but had so much trouble responding in kind. When she had her tantrums, my friend would call me to come over and we would sit out the tantrum together. If she refused to go to time out, which was most of the time, we would go to time out ourselves and wait there till she calmed down. What was hard though was the effect it had on their younger child. She became the “perfect” child, never a moment’s problem. I think that what helped her the most was support from friends and a psychologist. But it was such so difficult.
I love the ideas everyone has here. Great minds. I especially like the “no choices” one.
Oh My Goodness. That’s OUR story. That’s OUR life. And I’m completely with you on the not being able to deliver the saintly parental benediction when your kid is so out of whack.
One thing I’d say is keep an eye on cycles–one of our therapists pointed out some anniversaries in our lives where tension mounts due to something having happened in the past. Right before school break is one, end of school year (we’ve moved a few times at that point) is another. Our FASD/RAD 10 year old daughter is particularly susceptible to those subtle X marks on her calendar.
I’ll be reading your blog as often as I can. Thank you for admitting to losing it too: I do too. I confess too that reading your words gives me relief and makes me feel a little less crazy about our own lives: other people have these problems? Wow, I don’t have to explain or excuse myself. You get it.
I’m so glad you wrote the description out so well. I often envision the blank stare and lowered jaw I would see explaining this to someone with a different “normal”. I chuckle inside when I hear parents of typically developing kids fret about their difficulties with them. You can’t apply logic to this situation, (and the many others we deal with) and you start to feel a bit wacky yourself, combined with the deflated feeling of being a “door mat” as someone put it so well.
The indeciciveness, back and forth, is exhausting. By the time we’re out the door to school, I feel I’ve had a full day! I too, must juggle getting the food in without incident before the stimulant hunger shut-off valve is tripped. I usually try to get it in him, and have the food follow right away. Most of the time it works, and as the meds kick in the change is so obvious, and he almost seems to have no memory of that kid that was yelling, screaming, and/or throwing objects.
Many times he will tell me what he wants for breakfast when he is going to sleep. Many times, he still has the same desire in the morning….sometimes it changes. He most often wants leftovers (not a breakfast food person) so, it is usually workable. I have had a few eggs that were demanded and then not touched, and the other items demanded eaten instead. I try to let it go, and move on.
We often tell our son (9 yrs. FASD, ADHD, epilepsy, asthma) that we love HIM, no matter what, but sometimes we don’t like his BEHAVIOR. We’ve really tried to separate the two in the concrete way his mind works. I think he understands. We know he loves us and does have deep emotions, and I believe some understanding of remorse for making us feel bad.
Thanks for sharing, everyone !
Thank you for sharing your experience with your FASD child. We are parenting our son with FASD (birth mother was addict /alcoholic. Didn’t know this at time of his adoption. Private adoption that happened in less than a day. He’s 8 now and thanks to a great psychiatrist and endless detective work on my part, life is hard but not horrible as before. I will be reading this blog closely. Just finished the ETL book. Changed my life! Finally a supportive book for us parents going through invisible hell! It’s a support group in my kindle! Hang there fellow warriors. Love, peace and quiet to you all!
First, I am sorry you have to go through this, but thank you for writing this honest account. Now I know my husband and I are not alone in our plight to raise our 7-year old adopted daughter with FASD. And, that what you describe is so what we go through all day long with her. I will respond more later, but thank you for your blog. I will be a frequent reader!