Today’s guest blog is by Beth. She is the mother of two beautiful sons who have always been “Easy to love but hard to raise”. My oldest son has ADD and Dyslexia, my youngest has a diagnosis of ADHD with impulsive tendencies and PTSD.
When I became pregnant it was totally unexpected. My husband had two children from a previous marriage who were 13 & 18 and I had brought a 7 year old into the mix. I had been told after my first child that there was no hope for concieving another child so imagine our surprise when after TEN home pregnancy test and TWO blood tests I was definitly pregnant!
My blessing turned into panic when my first exam showed I had a spot on my cervix, after a biopsy I was told it was cancerous cells that would have to be taken care of. I refused to have treatments while I was pregnant and suffered through with the stress of very high blood pressure. It was considered a high risk pregnancy. After 8 months my body and the baby couldn’t take it anymore and my blessing was brought into this world a month early at 5lbs.
His daddy named him Trex although I have no clue to this day where that comes from. It is a strong name and just like a tyrannosaurus Rex he roared his way into this world.
Trex had some health issues early on. He was actually “born dead” with no heartbeat,the doctor immediately sedated me telling his daddy that they went sure of the baby’s survival. But again you could not keep this child down he amazed the doctors and nurses by being released from the hospital only three days after his birth.
We brought him home with all the anxiety new parents have but also concerns for his health. I knew ,call it “mothers intuition” that there was “something wrong with my baby”. You could not soothe him , he didn’t want cuddled ,he would rather be left completely alone void of any touch .This was so baffling to me since my oldest son was a hugger and lover.
Trex tore into his toddler years and I mean that literally.. my mother who adored her grandchildren was battered by this beautiful blond haired blue eyed little boy that looked like an angel but acted like a child from hell. between the ages of two and five Trex headbutted his Nana so hard he gave her a concussion, broke three pairs of glasses , when she would keep him she looked like she had been thru a battle.
The looks people would give me at the store were far from sympathetic. I heard everything from “if they would just bust his butt” to ” he is so spoiled because he is the baby” little did people know you could bust this child’s butt and he would just laugh at you . I still felt something was “wrong” but no one listened. I lost friends mostly because no parent wanted their good kids around my bad child,I was screaming inside and no one was hearing me .Trex and i would get into fights and it took nothing to provoke them I could say “eat your dinner” and the fight would be on to the point of Trex getting physical towards me.
When Trex was eleven he lost his daddy to cancer. He had always been a daddy’s boy and for a pre-teen the loss was devastating but we watched him and as he grieved he didn’t do one thing..he didn’t cry. His world was falling apart and we saw the pain but no tears fell from those beautiful blue eyes The family said how he was ‘handling his daddy’s death better then any of the adults” again I kept saying something is wrong. I was starting to feel better about Trex and my relationship it seemed that since his daddy had passed that we had became closer, it was only the two of us at home now since the other kids had homes and families of their own. But it didn’t last.
I was finally able to get Trex a councilor when he was twelve because of the trauma in his life and I think I was convincing myself it was helping.We had been invited to one of my co-workers wedding that was to take place two hours away.Trex has always hated to leave home for anything but I felt it was important for us to go and built him up all week about there was a trolley to ride and we might spend the night, that was a guaranteed way to get him to go because he loves to stay in motels. I told him all morning to get dressed and when the time came to leave he still wasn’t ready so as any normal parent would I told him “he was going “and to “get in the car” He did get in the car but proceeded to call me all kinds of names i told him he was not going acting like this and he proceeded to crawl out of the car and hang onto the side , feeling he would move if I nudged the car back a bit i slowly started reversing out of the driveway. He released his hold on the car and picked up a rock hitting the side of my car. I got out of the vehicle and he attacked, getting me down on the ground. We live in the country but are very well known in our small community so I assumed someone would notice the car at the end of the drive with the door open
I just had to get to the phone and call for help. Yes I couldn’t control my own son and I finally had to admit it. Trex is small but very strong and when he goes into this kind of rage it takes two grown men to try and hold him back. As I ran into the house he followed pushing me on the kitchen floor and holding a knife to my throat all the while calmly telling me “don’t scream Mom and I’ll stop.” I had never seen him in such a rage but so calm about it there was no recognition in his eyes.
This lasted about 45 minutes and he just let me up and told me to take him to the police.I did take him to the police station but instead of going in Trex convinced me to let him talk to a family friend that always helped him through these situations. I tried multiple times to get his counselor on the phone and she would not return my calls. The friend called the police and with twigs in my hair, torn pantyhose, bruises and cuts on most of my body the police made me fill out a report. That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Nothing came of the charges THANK GOD and his counselor saw him the next day he had a GAF reading of 20. She recommended in house treatment but I could not do that, she also said he was out of her “reach” that was the best thing she ever said because the clinician / therapist she did recommend turned out to be a lifesaver..literally!
Trex started seeing the new therapist along with me , we went thru many tests and finally I found out I wasn’t crazy there really was something wrong with my child. Trex was diagnosed with ADHD with impulsive tendencies, also PTSD, because besides his daddy’s death there was other trauma in his life.
He have gone through different medications which has been frustrating in its self, but I am glad to say Concerta has worked very well for him for the past nine months. Trex has always been smart and thru out elementary was always on the honor roll Middle school became harder and socially it was almost impossible to make friends because he usually picked fights with them he didn’t know how to relate to other kids. Trex has three friends that have stood beside him and continue to do so they know everything and accept him for how he is and the outbursts he has, they also forgive him for the things he says and believe me that takes a good friend.
Entering high school became a nightmare, two days in he was in a fight and that
How does a caged bird feel? Probably like an ADHD kid confined in a small room.
His therapist could not get thru to the school and even with all the documentation and paperwork we had the school system would not give him an IEP, an issue we are still fighting. We were lucky that the alternative education teacher was willing to give him a chance. Again a blessing was bestowed on us. His teacher understands ETL children she fights for them and she loves them. Trex is once again making good grades and will possibly graduate before his class.
I guess my words of encouragement to other parents of easy to love hard to raise children is this: there is hope. Never stop listening to the inner mom voice, always know there really is someone out there that understands..and you and your child can and will survive. Trex is almost 16, he has a long road ahead of him it won’t be easy for him or anyone that chooses to love him. He wants to become a police officer and he would really love to become a Marine, which means he has to come off of the meds at some point. Does that scare me? Yes !! But I know that whatever life hands him he will succeed.
Adrienne Bashista is the co-editor of and contributor to the book, Easy to Love but Hard to Raise: Real Parents, Challenging Kids, True Stories. She writes about parenting a special needs son, advocacy for special needs parents, and FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder). She lives in North Carolina with her husband, two sons, dogs, chickens, and bees.
