Jun 01

Take Care of Yourself in a Big Way at the Happy Mama Conference & Retreat: A weekend getaway for moms of kids with ADHD, ASD, FASD, and other brain-based disabilities

Posted on June 1, 2012 by Kay Marner

This mama ain’t been very happy lately. In fact, my never-ending worries about my 11 year old daughter, Natalie, who has ADHD, sensory processing disorder, anxiety, and is on the fetal alcohol spectrum, have put me in a real funk. Most days, my bed starts calling my name by mid-afternoon. I’ve had zero motivation to work or do most anything else. I’ve felt like avoiding any and all social interactions. This funk has been severe enough, and lasted long enough, that I decided I had to make a conscious effort to do something about it—to take better care of myself. So, I made a few small changes in my daily routine. I started going for a short walk several days each week. I pulled my vitamin and mineral supplements out of the cupboard and recommitted to taking them daily. I gave myself permission to spend more time reading for pleasure. I’ve been scheduling a few lunches out with friends.

I firmly believe that when you’re living with the stress of raising a child with special needs, you have to make a conscious effort to take care of yourself. After all, as the saying goes, if Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. Even small investments in your own well-being, like those I listed above, can make a difference in how well you cope with day-to-day challenges.

Yes, small is good. But big is even better! So, I’ve also pledged to do something significant. I’ve registered to attend the Happy Mama Conference & Retreat, a two day getaway especially for moms of kids with special needs.

The Happy Mama Conference & Retreat will take place July 28–29, 2012, at the Rock Barn Golf & Spa, in Conover, North Carolina. Here’s what the retreat is all about, as described on the Happy Mama website, www.if-mama-aint-happy.com :

What: A CONFERENCE that focuses on your needs as the mom to a child with a very real, but invisible, brain-based disability, like ADHD, ADD, OCD, ODD, FASD, PBD, SPD, PDD, or one of the many other overlapping conditions that make parenting your child an extra challenging situation, and a RETREAT, where we’ll provide you with wonderful food, spa opportunities, fun activities, and camaraderie with other moms who know exactly where you’re coming from.

Why: Because parenting children with invisible disabilities is an extremely stressful, isolating, and emotional job and one which can impact your health and well-being in a negative way.

The retreat, hosted by DRT Press (publisher of Easy to Love but Hard to Raise) and the website {a mom’s view of ADHD} (founded and edited by Penny Williams) and supported by a growing list of sponsors, including CHADD and the Catawba Valley Medical Center, will offer the perfect blend of education, support, and pampering.

Saturday’s speakers will cover: “Parenthood, Stress, Health, and Resiliency,” “Advocating for Your Child in School,” and “How to Be Happy: Calming Techniques for You and Your Child.” Sunday will be devoted to fun and pampering, which may include spa treatments, relaxing by the pool, gem mining, hiking, yoga, horseback riding, or kayaking.

Doesn’t that sound fabulous? I can hardly wait!

Sharon Barbary Bryan registered for the conference, but has since found out that she’s unable to attend. Sharon is donating her conference registration and on-site lodging, approximately a $350 value, to a deserving mom! The retreat organizers are running a contest to determine what lucky mama will be the recipient of Sharon’s generous gift. Here’s how it works: Follow this link. Nominate a special needs mama whom you feel deserves to attend the retreat, by writing a sentence or two in the comments field (of that post, not this one!) explaining why she needs a break. The contest will run June 1 – June 22.

If you are interested in attending whether you win this contest or not, please don’t hesitate to register now. Registration is just $129 until July 1. If you are “in the business” of ADHD, FASD, ASD, or other brain-based disorders and wish to become a retreat sponsor, email happymamaretreat@gmail.com for their sponsorship package.

In the meantime, take a few steps, big or small, to take better care of yourself. You work so hard to bring happiness to your special child. You deserve to be happy too.

Feb 10

ETL Kids are Hungry for Praise: Let’s Feed Their Need

Posted on February 10, 2012 by Kay Marner

I hope that by now you’ve seen our announcement that books 2 and 3 in the “Easy to Love” series are in the works. Continue reading →

Jan 25

Good stuff? Lessons I’ve learned from my ETL fella.

Posted on January 25, 2012 by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista

(A version of this post was originally made available through A Mom’s View of ADHD almost an entire year ago! I’m resorting to re-purposing posts as I’m so swamped with book details…but these lessons are still be learned in my household, so it’s still really relevant. I bet some of you all can find the truth in this as well).

Sometimes it’s easy to get bogged down in all the difficult behaviors our easy-to-love-but-hard-to-raise children exhibit. Today I’m going to try to get beyond the vent. Today’s post is about GOOD STUFF I’ve learned from my ETLBHTR fella. I’m going to write about it whether I’m really feeling it or not!

Hmm…here goes. Things I have learned from being around my ETLBHTR child:

Continue reading →

Jan 05

New Year’s Resolutions to make ME more easy to love, or, how I’m going to stop being such a bitch.

Posted on January 5, 2012 by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista

It is no secret in my house that my patience has been completely shot these past few weeks, or even months. Making the decision to stop homeschooling my ETL child because of his complete refusal to do anything academic at my request led me to start counting down the days until I got a break from 24/7 care, and weirdly enough, his week-long fever at the beginning of December during which he lay on the couch for hours sealed the deal. It became crystal clear by my own tantruming, impatient, rude, not very kind or generous behavior that needed a break from my little darling, and I needed it bad.

Does that make me sound horrible? Writing it makes me feel a little horrible, but all I can say is that I’m being completely honest. My baby is an intense fellow, and for the past six months his oppositionality has soared to new heights, and while I know the very best way to combat the opposition and create a happy, calm, reasonably managed home is to keep my shit together the very best I can, it’s also hard to do that every single minute of the day. As a homeschooling parent, I’ve been responsible for him full time almost without exception (the exception being my Mom one day a week – thanks Mom!), and as the wife and partner to a man who has worked 13 hour days almost every single day, including weekend days, for the past 2 years, I have had very little time that I wasn’t the primary caregiver (except for Mom! Thanks, Mom!).

Continue reading →

Oct 03

Guest Post: Therapist Bobbi Emel talks about Resiliency : How to take it (when you can’t take it anymore)

Posted on October 3, 2011 by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista

Today’s guest post is by psychotherapist Bobbi Emel, who specializes in helping people face life’s significant challenges and regain their resiliency. In addition to seeing clients in her private practice, Bobbi is a well-regarded speaker and writer. You can find her blog at http://www.TheBounceBlog.com

I’ve been talking via email with a friend whose teenage daughter has Asperger’s Syndrome. Our online conversation was mostly about the highs and lows of raising her neuro-diverse daughter and she shared with me many of the gifts that come along with having a special needs child.

Then, one day, this was the message in my inbox:

Today is a day in the trenches! It’s a battle and I’m bawling in my coffee. This journey is joy and pain in every aspect of those words. My knees are bloody on this life path. My guilt over wanting my life (before it was chucked under the special needs bus) back is outweighing my good will today. A special needs child “needs” almost all of the time. There is also the alienation aspect of this life in the foreground today. It’s very hard for me to relate to neuro-typical people. I hear people gripe and moan about “normal” problems and I want to cause them bodily harm! Some days are frustration!

While my heart ached for my friend, I was also really impressed with her message because she was actually demonstrating a lot of resilience.

“What?” I can hear you asking, “Where’s the resilience in this horrible day for her?” Let’s look a little more closely at her resiliency skills.

1. Sharing pain with a friend.

Instead of keeping these really difficult, raw thoughts and emotions to herself where they might boil inside her, she shared them with me. Using friends as a pressure valve can prevent your boiling emotions from scalding your heart.

2. The art of holding two opposing things at the same time.

This is a really tricky thing to do. You can see it in the sentence This journey is joy and pain in every aspect of those words. Joy/pain, guilt/good will. It really is possible to hold two different emotions – and even opposing – emotions and be okay with it.

I’ve often heard people who are grieving say, “I’m so confused. I’m devastated that he’s gone, yet I feel relieved at the same time. Which one is the right emotion? Should I feel relief or devastation?” To which my answer is, “Yes.” Both are appropriate and – although a weird sensation – it’s perfectly okay to experience both things at once.

3. Acknowledging emotions.

One of my favorite things about my friend’s message is that she doesn’t beat around the bush about how she’s feeling. Today is a day in the trenches . . . it’s a battle . . . my knees are bloody . . . Acceptance of your own experience and emotions is key to being resilient; the awareness allows you to be very realistic with yourself about how hard life is at the moment so you can best figure out a plan to bounce back.

4. Realizing that this is how it feels today.

Notice how my friend acknowledged her feelings of today: Today is a day in the trenches! My guilt is outweighing my good will today. Alienation is in the foreground today. Some days are frustration.

She is able to put things in perspective: today sucks. But notice how she doesn’t say, “My life is always in the trenches. I feel guilty all the time. I’m constantly isolated and alienated.” Her recognition that today is a really bad day automatically gives her hope for tomorrow. And realistically so, since she’s relying on her past experience to realize that there have been bad days in the past and she’s always made it through.

5. Using humor.

I couldn’t help smile at some of my friend’s writing. She’s a very funny person anyway, and I could see that, even though this day was hell, her humor was still buffering it for her: I’m bawling in my coffee . . . my life was chucked under the special needs bus . . . I hear people gripe and moan about “normal” problems and I want to cause them bodily harm! It’s dark humor, but it’s humor nonetheless and a great way to take the sting off of the painful reality of her emotions and experience.

Takeaway points: Sometimes even the worst days can bring out the best resiliency skills in you. Give yourself some credit, even when you feel like life has you down for the count.

What stands out for you about my friend’s message?