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Nov 23

Driver’s Education

Posted on November 23, 2012 by Victoria Marie Lees

Test taking is difficult for Marie, but there can be no modifications on a state driving test. Nor should there be. It just wouldn’t seem right—even for special needs students. Marie is on her own.

I was all excited about Marie learning to drive. Yes! One less person to chauffeur around. Who knows? Eventually, she could help me chauffeur her siblings to sports practices, dance lessons, or music events. I was psyched!

I’d ask Marie daily how Driver’s Ed was going—to the exclusion of her other courses. She’d answer as she always does, “Fine.” But I was in my dream world. My first daughter is going to drive, I repeatedly told myself. In fact, I bragged to my entire family. My dad even bought Marie a bumper sticker:

“If you don’t like my driving, stay off the sidewalk!”

I laughed. I praised her. My first daughter won’t be bugging me to take her places anymore. She, in fact, will be able to help me take others. I was in Heaven.

And then I woke up. Class test grades filtered in for this 23-day course, and reality clouded my days. Marie wasn’t going to pass the state test unless I studied nonstop with her. And even then we are never sure. My excitement about having assistance with chauffeuring children started to fade.

I hammered away at the notes, reading to Marie, having her actually look at the terms to be able to recognize them when she saw them on a test. Each night we would both end a session of studying with tears.

This is NOT the way to study with a special needs child. No matter what YOU want, some things are not to be. Marie failed the test by 4 points, which is pretty good for her. I told her we could study again and she could retake the written test in the summer. She didn’t look interested. At all. My husband tried to get me to see. At this time, Marie is not interested in driving. I realized he was correct. And then I cried myself to sleep.

Oct 26

Getting Your Child to Do What’s Best for Her

Posted on October 26, 2012 by Victoria Marie Lees

Marie has been demonstrating her kindness ever since the time she had covered me up with her favorite yellow blanket when I was lying on the couch, suffering from morning sickness when I was expecting her sister. She was two years old then. She became “little mother hen” in our family being the oldest of five children.

Whereas Marie being a second pair of eyes to help me at home raising five children was a blessing, the teacher in school did not want, nor did she solicit, a second pair of eyes to help her watch and/or teach the class.

Marie has always been a caring individual, but I realize sometimes to distraction. In elementary school, she always worried about her classmates, informing the teacher constantly who needed what…and of course, who DID what. Understandably, this did not allow her much time to work on her class work, which wreaks havoc on someone with a learning disability.

I joined in with all her teachers, reminding her every day to concentrate only on Marie. However, she felt that she was benefiting others with her concern. We told her to finish her work first, before she got involved in what others were doing in class. But habits are more difficult for special needs students to break. This is why we must instill habits that will strengthen our children to cope with the day to day struggles they will face in their school years as well as in life.

Consistency is the key. Instruct all the adults in your special needs child’s life [doctors, teachers, assistants] to remind your child what she/he should be doing. It will take time. Prayer doesn’t hurt either. Good luck!

Sep 21

Impulsivity and Saving

Posted on September 21, 2012 by Victoria Marie Lees

Impulsivity and saving. It’s almost an oxymoron. Except that I don’t think I can carry this “marriage of opposites” off.

Marie thoroughly enjoys working at Auntie Anne’s Pretzels at the mall. She’s a people person. The manager realizes this and puts her out in the mall with a sample plate. She asks EVERY passer-by if he or she would like to sample a delicious Auntie Anne’s pretzel and spouts off her spiel without a hitch. I watched her one time. Those pretzel pieces must be glued onto the platter the way she races over to people. You need to be on the opposite side of the mall to avoid Marie and her pretzels. She’s also good at hand-rolling the pretzels. It’s a win-win situation for Marie and Auntie Anne’s.

The only drawback is that she gets a break when working. And where others would rest during their breaks, Marie shops. She shops before work and after depending upon her hours. I try dropping her off and picking her up in a timely fashion and still she finds ways to buy things. The mall businesses love Marie. She’s an impulsive shopper and buys things without any forethought just because she has money in her wallet.

This impulsive buying brings us to another dilemma. Marie doesn’t weed through what she has; she just keeps adding to it. Then, she feels she must keep all her possessions in her room…including $50 of luggage that she could hide a Shetland pony in.

I realize that it is HER money. I’m trying to get her to be selective, to stop and think. I’m also reminding her constantly that she needs to save for the senior class trip to Disney World. I’m seriously contemplating charging her rent or taxi rates simply to put the money aside in an account in her name that she has NO knowledge of. Any other suggestions?

Jul 05

Keeping the Knowledge Base Refreshed: Tutoring Sessions

Posted on July 5, 2012 by Victoria Marie Lees

I had to pay for summer tutoring all through grade school even though Marie was in special education. Marie requires much repetition to maintain where she is in a particular subject. Remembering and recalling information are part of her difficulties.

To help Marie not feel ostracized from the family, I incorporated a study program for all five of my children throughout the summer. For about an hour, five days most weeks, the children worked on academics. This time did not include when I would read to the children or when the other children would read on their own. I allowed the children to choose morning or afternoon as the time to work, and then kept it the same throughout the summer. They chose mornings as they were early birds and their friends were not.

Each child had a notebook and would work on grade level math and English [spelling/writing skills] with me. I’d be the one who spent the hours reading, checking, and writing comments on their pages. If they made mathematical errors, they needed to redo the problem. Grade-level misspellings in their essays required repetition of correct spellings. Then they just had to choose fancy stickers—after they read my comments—to place on their notebooks.

Marie worked with a tutor about three times per week. When she worked with the tutor, Marie did not do my notebook work. I ask the tutor to review grade-level math especially and science/social studies with Marie. I usually focused on reading and writing with the children.

Marie worked better with the tutor. She wouldn’t fight as much about doing the work. And she always wanted to know what her brother and sisters did while she was being tutored. Hence the need for me to work with her siblings while Marie was being tutored.

Now that Marie’s a part of the high school special education program, she is entitled to free tutoring, one on one, with a special education teacher about three times a week for a few hours with no homework involved. So far, so good.

May 20

The Perils of Working—Spending

Posted on May 20, 2012 by Victoria Marie Lees

Marie got her first job, working at Auntie Anne’s Pretzels, through a classmate friendship. Her friend brought her to work one day and introduced her to the boss, who happened to be looking for more teens to work during the summer time. The boss gave Marie an application which she was able to bring home so that I could help her complete it and check the spelling. She started work the next week!

At first, she took the tasks that the others didn’t really want to do, like emptying the trash and cleaning the equipment. But then she became the “sample girl.” The boss noticed Marie’s friendly demeanor and sunny disposition. Wearing her smile as part of her uniform, Marie offered pretzel portions on a tray to people who walked the mall.

The Mall. This is the danger. Because she works at the Mall, Marie buys on impulse. She is a pushover for any fast talking sales person who tells her something is on “sale.” This can be anything from food that she won’t eat to objects that she doesn’t like. I want to help her understand the concept of making money and then the necessity for saving some of it for later. I’m trying to get her to stop and think: Do I really need this? Do I really want this? Why? Do I even like it?

Every time I pick her up after work, she comes out with loads of bags; CDs, movies, posters, and displays from the music stores, plastic ware, washcloths, and socks from the Disney Store, and, yes, countless stuffed animals and soft fluffy blankets.

It is her money and she can do with it what she wishes. I know. I’m just trying to get her to realize that it is not necessary to buy everything in sight. She needs to understand the concept of money.

Apr 23

Spring Cleaning Drama

Posted on April 23, 2012 by Victoria Marie Lees

Ahh, spring cleaning. A chance to de-clutter the closet, to un-stuff the dresser drawers, and perhaps rearrange the furniture for a better use of space. I used to love this opportunity to ‘downsize’ my children’s growing possessions in their shrinking rooms and donate perfectly good clothes and toys to Good Will.

Now that the children are older, my other four children sort out the clothes that no longer fit or that they don’t wear anymore. My ETL child can’t. Or is it won’t? She “needs” that yellow-stained tee-shirt or was “just going to wear” that skirt that is two-sizes too small or that was her “favorite” sweater Aunt Silvia gave her six years ago no matter that she never wore it. And forget the stuffed animals and fluffy bed junk! She is very tactile.

Needless to say, my ETL child is very possessive and doesn’t like change whether it is in the form of a downsized dresser drawer, a re-organized closet, or the rearrangement of bedroom furniture. With Marie, ‘spring cleaning’ is a major trauma requiring much planning, emotional strength, and intestinal fortitude—all mine! Because of the wear and tear on my nerves, I only do this about every ten springs…or when the house starts to lean to one side—the side toward Marie’s bedroom. And I would put it off even longer if Marie didn’t share a bedroom with her sister.

I really need to psyche myself up for this. I need to come up with parameters and specific numbers. You know, like we will work on her room together for only about an hour each Saturday and Sunday until the job is complete. She can only keep four articles of clothing that are considered her “favorites” regardless of size, condition, or never-wearing. As far as broken objects [toy, jewelry, purse] are concerned, they are separated into three groups: fixable, a part usable for craft, or trash. No exceptions, regardless of whining. This is where my intestinal fortitude is most needed.

The hardest part are all the stuffed animals in various sizes from key-chain size all the way up to a panda bear almost her size. [She’s a petite young lady in her twenties.] She has close to 80 animals overflowing her bed and stacked in corners to the ceiling. I’ve tried everything from “Let’s donate some to the local pediatric ward at the hospital” to “Maybe we can donate some to the local day care or library.” Marie is a very caring individual, so I thought this might work. No luck so far. Any ideas? It’s actually the twelfth spring!

Mar 20

Homework with the Divine Miss M

Posted on March 20, 2012 by Victoria Marie Lees

Allow me to set the scene…

The dining room table is a mass of folded or spindled or torn papers. Pencils, erasers, and erasable pens, rulers and homework planners, workbooks and textbooks are scattered everywhere. The five children have just accomplished their nightly homework. Well, most of the children. Marie left the table with the rest of them, but she’s not finished. Mom sits by the chaos closing her eyes and rubbing her forehead, as if it could all disappear and she could have some free time.

I sigh and reach for another cup of tea. Marie’s the oldest, yet academic work is difficult for her. And, she’s a hurrier. In elementary school, Marie would look at a paper and decide she knows what to do. From my relentless “Read the directions first!” sometimes she’d look at the first word—or even the first letter—and plug in whatever word happens to be in her head. She just wants to say she’s done, like the other children.

But she’s not like the other children. She needs reinforcement and repetition. And this all takes time—endless hours of correcting, reading, and explaining again and again. Downtime that I could spend enjoying the children, playing a game with them or going for a walk. Quiet time reading a book of MY choosing, or spending time with my husband. Visiting friends or shopping in peace. But at my house, at this time, the world revolves around Marie and her education.

My patience thins to a mere veil, a translucent covering of which some day I hope that Marie might be able to wear as she glides down the aisle. Of course in her case, it would be more like a mad dash.

Sighing, I decide to check her work and give her a little break before calling her back to finish her homework, trying beyond all means to stop feeling sorry for myself.

Feb 20

A Long, Long Time to Stay Focused

Posted on February 20, 2012 by Victoria Marie Lees

Eighty minute class periods are a long time for someone with ADHD to stay focused. However, the double length of class time in high school covers the same subject. In theory, with more time in the same subject, the teacher can present the information in several formats; like, visually, auditory, and concretely. Children are already concentrating along the subject line; presenting the material in three ways allows children with disabilities more time to understand as well as different approaches to that understanding.

This line of thinking works well with science and math subjects for Marie. Marie is visual and concrete. Just plain listening doesn’t work for her. Seeing and doing works toward the understanding of material for her. Then we supplement this emerging understanding with repetition. Lots of repetition.

This is where I become a team player assisting at home. I want Marie to get the most out of her education and that requires me to continue re-teaching, when I can, the material at home. There is a difference between doing the work for our children and merely assisting them in their accomplishment of it. Assisting our students takes longer…much longer or at least it does for Marie. And I need to stay with her. If I walk away to try and accomplish something else, she walks away from the table and the difficult problems or questions. Patience is a virtue I wish God had given me more of.

However, with fewer subjects to concentrate on throughout the school day, longer periods of time to allow for understanding and different teaching methods offered, it does help students with disabilities. At least Marie is holding her own in high school so far. She is in special education, though, allowing for re-testing when necessary.

Jan 16

The Holidays and an ADHD Child

Posted on January 16, 2012 by Victoria Marie Lees

Concerts and cooking. Families and friends. Gifts and goodies. The usual hectic holiday schedule. Add into the mix a lovely teenager with an invisible condition and the holidays become more stressful.

At least I’m to the point now where extended family and friends understand Marie a little better. But still it’s difficult when Marie rushes the people who come to visit or becomes fixated at finding her Tinkerbell Christmas ornament among the draws and draws of Christmas ornaments and can’t come to the dinner table until she does. It’s as if everyone around her matures, yet she remains locked in her own little world.

After Marie greets everyone, she loses interest in the conversations and retreats to the TV room and pops in one of her beloved DVD’s and lives through it; a life of Kung Fu pandas and blue African parrots for this month. I guess that’s what frightens me. I want her to live in the real world interacting with live people.

As I rush around the kitchen, putting the final touches on our festive dinner, my other three daughters and son assisting, I realize Marie is not present.

“Go and unplug your sister from the TV,” I tell one of the children. And then I hate myself for the comment even though the immediate family knows it is necessary to give Marie at least 15 minutes leeway to turn off the television.

I can’t even blame the stress of the holidays, although that’s when the differences in the children’s maturity take center stage. Marie’s not the only one learning as life progresses. I as a parent am trying to adjust to the differences in my children, in their needs, and in their school life. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.