May 30

Privilege of Parenting

Posted on May 30, 2012 by Laura Grace Weldon

There are only so many minutes in the day to spend reading blogs so those blog choices must be made wisely. I regularly dip into a few inspiring parenting blogs, a few spiritually nourishing blogs, and a few smart brainy blogs. I find all three of those elements in one of my favorites. It’s written by clinical psychologist, husband, father to two sons, former director and screenwriter, and all-around gentle soul Bruce Dolin. It’s named Privilege of Parenting. which really says a lot about the content. Every post gives me something to think about, but if you want to drift over that direction try How is Narcissism like Footed Pajamas?, Parenting Manifesto, How Doing Things At Which We “Suck” Can Be Good Parenting, and Relationship is Everything.

Now Bruce has a book out, also titled Privilege of Parenting. I must have read a hundred parenting books and in too many I find finger wagging about particular “rules” that must be followed. Bruce doesn’t go there. He offers stories and metaphors, giving us ways to understand ourselves and our children. Many of the stories he shares come from his professional experience working with troubled kids. Others come from literature, films, and lessons he’s learned in his own life.

As he explains in the book’s introduction,

Children are a gift, sacred beings entrusted to us to facilitate their growth and development. But parenting can also be transformative for the parent. No one is fully formed when they choose to parent, no matter how good a planner they are. Parenting is a perfect arena for our own growth and enlightenment because it takes us beyond our self and demands we use our highest power–the power to love.

One of the core concepts in this book is cultivating good relationships with our children. He addresses this from all angles and doesn’t shy away from the hard stuff. He offers dozens of refreshingly different exercises to try, each one calling us to be present to ourselves while deepening our understanding of ourselves and our children.

There isn’t much he doesn’t cover. The table of contents include a wide range of topics such as: ”Sometimes Worry is an Act of Love,” “Helping Sad Kids Feel Better,” “Understanding and Dealing with Oppositionality,” and “Using Intuition to Parent Better.”

This is a book to read with a highlighter. It extends the promise of wisdom that’s applicable to our lives, right now.

Read his blog, get his book, and deepen the path parenting takes you on every single day.

Review copy provided.

May 14

A Not-So-Perfect Summer Redux

Posted on May 14, 2012 by Lorraine

Today I’m reposting a blog I shared here almost exactly a year ago. Only a little has changed since then, for better or worse, mostly that I had knee surgery and have been recovering nicely. But I’m also much less worried about how the summer will go and how my boys will handle moving into the next grade in the fall. Entering into summer and full-time parenting with more confidence and fewer worries, who could ask for anything more? But now it’s time to come up with my focus goals for each child. Wish me luck!

My blog post from May 12, 2011:

I can’t believe it’s mid-May already. In a little over a month, my twin seven-year old boys will be done with their public school first grade experience, including the support we receive through their Individual Education Plans (IEP’s). I have to admit I’m a little nervous. They’ve been in school for six hours per day, five days per week, and now I’m out of practice at entertaining them and caring for them for so many hours in a week.

Have you been diagnosed (or self-diagnosed) as a perfectionist? I have to admit that I suffer from this debilitating ailment. Last year at this time I had already designed a written plan of weekly summer enrichment activities that were meant to maintain, if not advance, my boy’s academic and behavioral success. Am I a trained paraeducator? No, just a mom on a mission.

My plan last summer was ambitious. I knew I wouldn’t accomplish everything in the plan, but for me, just striving toward the perfection was enough. I was and still am proud of the plan, which included a special activity for every day of the week. Mondays were science field trips (to forests, arboretums, and streams), Tuesdays were arts and crafts projects, Wednesday was Adventure day (hikes and bike trips), Thursday was public library day, and Friday’s held park play dates (to help my boys continue to build their social skills and communication).

I also chose two or three major goals for each child to achieve by the end of the summer. Choosing a small number, I reasoned, would help me focus on what was really important when I was feeling lazy (as if!), or overwhelmed by all the choices of what to do (a regular problem).

Last year, I chose as major goals:

riding their bikes without training wheels,
learning to swim well (so I didn’t worry so much about them), and
learning to tie their own shoes (selfishly because I was tiring of the task).

My fellow mom friends chuckled and rolled their eyes at my ambitious plans, but they were also inspired to come up with their own, probably more realistic, summer plan for their kids.

I have to admit that last summer, not even for one week, did I actually accomplish all that I’d planned for the boys. But most weeks we accomplished at least three out of the five days. For that, I was proud of myself and of my boys flexibility, willingness, and energy. It wasn’t perfect, but I kept focusing on what I was doing right, instead of what I failed to accomplish.

Of course I have no empirical proof (I am a scientist after all), but I do believe that our efforts prepared the boys for their transition into first grade, and certainly influenced the leaps both boys made during this school year.

My greatest joy of last fall was when the special education coordinator said, “It seems like the boys didn’t lose what they learned in kindergarten over the summer. Great job, mom.” She has no idea how much her praise and reassurance meant to me.

This summer will be quite different and I’m a little scared. Granted, the boys are now a year older and they’ll have a greater level of independence (yeah for me). But I won’t be able to provide them with the same level of attention and determination as last summer. This year I have my own disability to deal with (thankfully temporary). I tore several ligaments in my knee and broke my tibia just jumping in the air at a rec. volleyball game. Well, it wasn’t the jumping, but the landing that did me in. I’ve been on crutches for over seven weeks, and unable to cook, clean, (frankly not missing it) or do much else but yell crazily across the house while swinging a crutch in the air. Although I started walking again this week, our future is uncertain. I must decide when to have surgery to repair my meniscus and ACL and I must actually work at healing my injury, like a part-time job through physical therapy.

Last year I could put the boy’s needs ahead of my own almost every hour of every day if needed. I was shooting for “the perfect parent.” But this summer, I’ll be far from perfect. I’ll have to say no a lot more often to elaborate crafts and science experiments, there will be fewer grand outings, and this summer, my boys will learn the hard but valuable lesson about putting someone else’s needs before their own.

As an empress of worry, I enter this summer with the fear that my injury will hinder my boys behavioral, emotional, and academic progress. I’m concerned that heading back to second grade in the fall will be tougher for them without all the prep I’d planned.

My plan for this summer will surely not be anywhere near the perfection we glimpsed last year. Instead, it will be a grand exercise for us all in compromise and learning to accept “good enough.”

This experience has taught me many lessons, a few of which I’ve listed below.

I’ve learned to:

be more patient,
gracefully say no to opportunities that aren’t an “absolute yes”,
accept and appreciate help from others,
accept that I will never be perfect (still working on this one) J,
set my standards at a more realistic level, and not beat myself up when I “fail”,
appreciate my husband for the super-dad that he is, even when he doesn’t do it my way,
encourage my children’s independence,
worry less about reaching (or not) specific milestones, and
focus more on spending memorable time together.

I’m sure that this summer, together, we will all learn many more life lessons.

How have you learned to muffle (or strangle) your inner perfectionist? What is your “good enough” summer enrichment plan for your special needs child? And please send me an e-mail if you’ve got any advice on how to recover from a knee injury.

Thank you for reading and sharing your stories with this group of caring, supportive parents.

Jun 29

Worried Sick

Posted on June 29, 2011 by Lorraine

Even though I didn’t know what to call it, I have struggled with anxiety my whole life. In my mother’s generation, she admitted to having “bad nerves.” My boys were called “sensitive” by the time they were 18 months old. Biologically, sensitivity just means that the brain’s fight-or-flight reaction (an automatic response to perceived danger) is heightened above average.

In the cave man days, sensitivity saved us when we were being attacked by sabre-tooth tigers. The next time we saw a tiger, we knew to stay away or kill it. But in this epoch, that automatic fear response isn’t as useful in the living room, school, or the grocery store. According to Keys to Parenting Your Anxious Child by Dr. Katharina Manassis, approximately ten percent of the population struggles with excessive sensitivity which can lead to a life of fear and avoidance of situations that other people find only mildly stressful.

Because my boys and I caught the virus for worry warts, I made it my plan for this summer to understand our anxiety and how it affects self-esteem so I can better manage it and, in turn, teach my seven-year old boys to manage theirs.

Dr. Manassis’ book recommends desensitization as one approach to lessening anxiety and it comes in at least two flavors: Flooding and Systematic. My dad practiced Flooding when I was a kid. He pushed me off the dock and yelled, “Swim!” Dr. Manassis recommends gentle flooding for small children with mild fears. Systematic desensitization is gradual and can start with simply talking about spiders, then looking at photographs, eventually looking at real ones through Tupperware, and then letting one crawl on you. I still don’t let spiders crawl on me on purpose, so I guess the time line can be subjective and fear-specific.

She also suggests:

Giving small and frequent positive reinforcement for “brave” behavior,
Labeling the anxiety/worry when it rears its red-faced, weepy head, and
Learning and teaching coping self-talk. At my house we use the phrases, “Is this a disaster like a flood or an earthquake?” and “What can I do to calm down and solve this problem?”

I’m making jokes but anxiety in older children may result in depression and even suicidal tendencies, so we should not make light of our children’s fears, but instead tune in and understand their extent clearly.

Dr. Manassis’ book is definitely worth the read because it’s full of other recommendations on relaxation, diet, exercise, sleep, and medication as well specific issues like perfectionism (who me?) and separation anxiety.

This summer I’ll also be reading parts of Overcoming School Anxiety: How to Help Your Child Deal with Separation, Tests, Homework, Bullies, Math Phobia, and Other Worries by Diane Peters Mayer and 501 Ways to Boost Your Child’s Self-Esteem by Robert Ramsey.

What approaches have helped lessen your children’s worry and anxiety?

Lorraine Wilde is a freelance journalist, environmental scientist, and mother. Her work has appeared in Entertainment News NW, Ithaca Child, and the parenting web site Neighborhood-Kids.com. She also blogs at My Wilde World.